One Less Thing To Worry About

Apparently my posts are starting to draw up something in others, a lot of people are reaching out to say hi, that they are thinking of me, etc. I appreciate that, it's nice to hear from people and get a little "hey there cutie!" Just a clarification from my last post: I in no way am feeling neglected by my friends. No, actually, I feel like I'M the one neglecting my friendships because I'm not putting my energy there. I'm secluding myself with my family right now, so I just wanted my friends to know I'm thinking of them and that I love them. It's still early in the day, but what I can say is that I successfully evaded a nap! Now, I'm paying for it already, (tired) but I didn't really MEAN to drink that entire grande frappuchino it just tasted good! =) It threw off my nap schedule and so I think it's just going to have to be no nap today and WAY early bedtime. It'll be cute, I bet I can con my mom into reading me a story and everythi...

Today's day started with fried green tomatoes... the movie. It's a clear reminder that true friendship is a powerful thing, gets you through a lot. Friends are the family you pick, and I have been honored to have experienced many flavors of life through the close bonds of friends. When it comes to this current ailment though, I have cocooned myself in my family world to manage cancer. I will come out into my other world and lean more on my friends when it's time to test the waters of independence again. I know that those who know me best will not say anything because they know how I am and love me how I am. But I do miss the closeness of being with my friends, or talking to them a lot. I haven't had the energy for that, plus I can't pick favorites!  It is also a defense mechanism. If I attempt to see friends or operate in life as usual right now, it will remind me of how different things are or how much energy I don't have to maintain that life right now. Some d...

Again, I'm sorry that the posts are getting so far apart. Despite being home from work I'm still busy. Napping is tough work, it takes awhile!! Today's agenda: Wake up at 4:15am to say bye to Brett, wake up again at 5:45 when mom got home from dropping him at the airport, wake up at 6:30 to be ready to leave a 7am. 7am commute to radiation, 8:10am radiation, 8:25am Oncologist. 9:15 leave oncologist office, 9:20 dunkin donuts, 9:50 to campus, clean apartment and show my mom stuff in the apartment and collect my art supplies to go to Lisa's until 10:30, 10:30 nap until 12:30, shower, 1pm: sneak into work to send two emails, 1:30 lunch, 2:30 arrive at gyno doctor, 3:30 leave gyno, 4pm home, lay in bed until 6pm, (Jason arrives to visit me at 5pm) dinner at 6pm, 7:30, here online, 8pm 45 minute mediation between Jason and cousin Collin. For someone who is TIRED that is a lot of activity. I'm still taking my evening meds in the middle of all this! Not to get too TMI ...

Relay for Life was yesterday. I went for 4 hours, and it was AWESOME! =) Lots of people came out to support, including a lot of staff who sported the "Team DJ" t-shirts that Karla designed to raise money for the cause. I loved seeing all the staff, the music, the energy around relay, and some of the speakers invited this year were really great. The man who spoke before the luminera ceremony made me cry. I heard that we raised about 65,000, that could be more but just hasn't been announced yet. The only hitch with all this Relay activity was that I was out WAY past my bedtime, and today I paid for it. We picked up my mother at the bus station today pretty early, and I spent most of the day in bed after that. My uncle is getting a cold and so I avoided him like the plague. Etc. The worst part was another seizure, about 20 minutes ago. I got the lecture from my mom about pushing to hard, staying out too late, working too much, fighting the wrong battle due to guilt. She di...

Sorry for the few day absence, apparently I have some fans and was missed. That makes me feel good to know that people are keeping up with me. I have FANS! Woohoo!! =) Even if my fans are good ole mom and dad and my cousins and family friends that might as well be family friends minus the friends part, it's still great. It was the purpose of this thing, to keep people in the loop as well as process my ordeal, and leave something lasting of me out there for the world out on the internet. I was having a hard time finding some things to write about although I have lots of "updates." I had a medicine mixup Thurs/Friday last week. I called in for a refill on my Tegretol and got Trileptol at half what my normal dose of Tegretol would be. Tegretol, being a seizure medicine that affects my sodium channels in my cells, would not be something you want to mess with. The result, the seizures came back with a vengeance! I had them Fri-Sun, a break on Monday, and then again Tues/Weds...

The reason last night's blog was postponed was the below letter. I may never be a parent, and luckily I have an aunt who is happy to have help with her boys. I've taken the "older cousin/temporary sister/mom-helper role very seriously while staying here. Both Jason and I adore my Aunt Lisa and are so thankful for her. Her boys are typical boys, they argue, they are active, they are testing boundaries. My mother always told me that it's one thing to raise a child, it's another to raise a "man" when she was referring to raising my brother Brett. My aunt is raising TWO. Bless her! The words I gave Collin may not sink in for awhile, but I take comfort in knowing that as long as he does not delete my email, he will have them to refer to any time he likes. I hope I am wise Hey, Even though you left our talk angry last night, I'm glad we talked. And even if it doesn't feel helpful or that we made any progress, we do. Sometimes things get worse be...

Today, Collin won his basketball game and his team is now the champions for his little division. Kudos! It was fun to be there, to cheer him on. We followed that up with a trip to a borders that was closing and got cheap books, and a late lunch at this place called circus cafe. We had a great meal and finished the meal with the biggest pile of cotton candy EVER! This evening we've been hanging out around the house watching movies and relaxing. Right now, I'm watching Aladdin, what an all-time favorite! I still know all the words to all the songs. Sing-a-long time over on the couch! Woohoo! Tonight I had another seizure, meaning two in two days, which is the worst it's been since before my surgery. I spoke with a doctor on call and hopefully things are under control now. The seizure was worse than it's been lately too. Brett was mad at me, I was going to yell for him and decided not to, I did it alone. It's hard to explain, but I know what's happening and my bo...

Brett is here!! It's so amazing to sit with him, be driven around by him, to talk with him about my student-staff. He said "it sounds like you work with amazing people." I can't wait for him to see that more. I  gave him a small tour but I'm excited for him to meet more of the staff, see the place I work, help me do bulletin boards and administrative tasks. It's nice to hear his stories and get to see inside his world more. You know how when you're sitting with someone, and you're noticing things about them, even if you're "listening" you're more focused on "watching" them? Noticing Brett's mannerisms, the way he talks, etc. My brother is HANDSOME. He just looks older, and yet like he's more "himself" and that he's growing into himself and turning into a MAN! So weird to think of my baby brother that way, but comforting too. He'll be such a good man. He's coming to be a man for me by taking on...

Today was a really bad day. I had to do blood work, again. I ran out of seizure medicine because of an oversight on my part, and had to chase down my doctor, and didn't even get a nurse, so I have tonight's dose and then tomorrow it's hoping I have better luck chasing doctors..... Jason and I had an argument, and I'm exhausted. MEH! (insert 5-year old stomping around and pouty face here). The oversight sucked because I realized I'm not as detail oriented as I used to be, OR, that I've taken on too much considering I have a gazillion pills to keep track of. Who knows. I felt terrible having to call rushed and in a panic, I always tell my students: "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." I like to live by example, but unfortunately, poor planning on my part will be an actual emergency if I don't get my medicine ASAP. Don't mess with the seizure medicines, that's way worse than playing with fire. Doctors are ...

A nice long one on one today at work, it's good to catch up on things. Glad to get a chance to reconnect with my staff and to get a "pulse" of my buildings. Gives me a sense of what's going on again, I feel so out of the loop. So, there is an issue of being "in treatment" and trying to be at work. I don't do anything halfway. Once I commit, I'm in 100% and go for it as hard as I possibly can. It's hard to do this part of the day, and to be hesitant about signing up for too much with the anticipation that I may not be available to follow through with the task if it is a large one, or time consuming, or something I would need to be present for consistently. I want to say yes, but am trying to be proactive, I don't want to leave anyone hanging. It is my MO to push full steam ahead, and this has given me enough reason to be cautious. I envision this scenario where I try too hard to go back to "work as normal" and end up walking to som...

 Another storm, aka, freezing rain, then sleet, then snow= driving conditions this morning. This equals my 30 minute commute to radiation being 90 minutes today, and me being late. But, white knuckled and all, we made it. Jason was extra cautious due to the accident last week. I was trying SO HARD not to be the passenger seat driver, I did pretty good. The best part of the drive was me and Jason discussing what we would do with our lotto winnings. With my bone condition, and now with my brain cancer, I have the "odds" of catching rare things. SO.... we were talking about investments and such for our millions. We laughed a lot, as Jason was mean and saying I should invest in cigarettes and dolphin meat after I said I'd want to invest in sustainable energy. Always contrary just because. Either way, cross your fingers for me! We attended the brain tumor support group tonight. Jason said that the support group was "wonderful!" I thought he was being facetious, but...

Again, nothing yesterday to post. I was the only person yesterday to be home for the entire day. Jason went to work, the boys to practice, the family got together with another family after that... etc. I sat home, mostly due to tiredness, but just because it felt like a good idea at the time. It was strange, but I did actually get about 5 hours of straight alone time, something I haven't had in over a month. I made it! Nothing bad happened! I'm sure this will cause my aunt to breathe easier. =) In the midst of all the hoopla where I'm being driven here and there and to work, hanging out at work, and even spending a brief couple hours at the apartment where I nap before work to get my energy up, I am mostly scheduled and not alone. Notice a theme here? I am almost NEVER alone. This is not a coincidence, my family orchestrates it. Last weekend, there was a point of time where Collin and I were together for a good part of the day, so we could "watch each other" (hi...

Yesterday's blog was canceled due to some yumminess and symptoms. I made chocolate dipped big stick pretzels, with sprinkles! Who would have thought all this fun was so exhausting?! I started them last night while my family was still out, coming back from my cousin Collin's game, and then my aunt and I wrapped them all and tied little ribbons and it was fun. Today is the "fun fair" at Christian's school, and the pretzels will be sold to raise money, I love that. When I was in middle school and high school, I used to love to participate in that. I'm sure it drove my mother crazy, as I was always adding something to her baking list, but it always turned out fun, and we'd raise what we needed to raise, especially for important things like cheerleading uniforms... etc. =) I had my first night of nausea last night! Ewwwwwwwwwwww, but I rallied and got a GREAT night of sleep and am back at work today! TAH DAH! Sleep is my hat-trick! Pour a little sleep on it, ...

Today, Bill Clinton came to speak on my campus. One of the Resident Assistants that works for my quad was instrumental in helping make this happen. I can see just about everyone I work with going and enjoying that. Again, amazing things around us all the time. I met with my neuro-oncologist, we talked a lot about all my pills, and to make a long story short, I'm decreasing one and increasing another in hopes to make my naughty seizures go away. We also talked more in depth about my bloodwork from last week, and my platelets are technically still good, but they dropped almost half after 10 days of chemo. This may not be good, so I'm going in tomorrow to get my blood drawn again so my doctor can make sure that I don't drop at that rate every 10 days, that's too fast. Jason went online and started looking up foods that increase platelets as soon as we walked out of the office, so I'm certain this will be a non-issue in a matter of days. My aunt Lisa drove me to ra...

Today, 10-15 minutes after Jason dropped me off at campus, after radiation, he got into a car accident while driving my car. He hit a patch of black ice and spun possibly 4-5 times, hit a guard-rail, etc. He is ok, no bruises, except to his pride. My car isn't totaled, it'll be back on the road soon. So, in the midst of the long hard, day-to-day fight of cancer, it becomes easy to forget that nothing is guaranteed. What I mean is, just because I'm fighting today, does not mean that this is the only out. Any one of us could be walking down the street and get hit by a bus and POW, that's it. Just the idea of losing him today was a big blow, as it's been pretty clear that I've been writing about him a lot here because he's a big part of how well I'm doing. There are many qualities that women use to measure the worth of a man, and vice versa, but let me tell you, supporting your significant other through cancer, I find this quality incredibly SEXY! Very de...