Today, 10-15 minutes after Jason dropped me off at campus, after radiation, he got into a car accident while driving my car. He hit a patch of black ice and spun possibly 4-5 times, hit a guard-rail, etc. He is ok, no bruises, except to his pride. My car isn't totaled, it'll be back on the road soon.
So, in the midst of the long hard, day-to-day fight of cancer, it becomes easy to forget that nothing is guaranteed. What I mean is, just because I'm fighting today, does not mean that this is the only out. Any one of us could be walking down the street and get hit by a bus and POW, that's it. Just the idea of losing him today was a big blow, as it's been pretty clear that I've been writing about him a lot here because he's a big part of how well I'm doing. There are many qualities that women use to measure the worth of a man, and vice versa, but let me tell you, supporting your significant other through cancer, I find this quality incredibly SEXY! Very desirable trait!! He's my hero. He is carrying a large part of this load for me, with me, because of me, and making it all about me.
Here's a shout out to all of those out there who are the caretakers of those with cancer, it is not an easy job, and yet there are very little ways or arenas where they can vent their sacrifice, frustrations, emotions, because it's not supposed to be about them. I have always been Jason's major support system, especially emotionally as he learned a lot of his emotions through me (I'm emotional, it rubbed off, slowly but surely!). Now, you can't vent to the cancer patient about how tired you are or how much you've given up of your comfort, routine, the driving time, money, gas, or that the significant other you've had for the last 5 years is someone different now. Not the someone who obsessively took care of YOU, made you breakfast every day, packed your lunch, fixed you dinner, cleaned up after you, hugged you after a bad day. It's a lot to handle, and Jason felt GUILTY for having a bad day, on top of crashing the car, on top of hurting his pride, because it took away attention from ME.
You want to know what he was most upset about? "How is your dad going to trust me to take care of you if I can't take care of your car?!"
No day is perfect, but I am at peace because he is still with me unharmed, even with a bruised ego and a little whining, he's a joy to be around, I'm lucky he's here. I'm taking pleasure in bragging about how great he is, I think that many of us don't hear it enough. I've said it before, but I will reiterate: the person with cancer is not the only hero in these scenarios!
Then, speaking of heroics... each year, my university hosts a "Relay for Life." Since I've come to the university, I've been the person who does a lot of coordinating for our quad, setting up the tent, selling t-shirts, helping the resident assistants get their teams together, etc. The first year, just because it was fun, last year, because of my great-aunt who is a survivor of breast cancer. I always did it to be apart of the experience, because I felt it was a good cause, and because I had fun there. This year, it was my plan to attend if my energy allowed, maybe not play as active as a role, but to take it in from another perspective. No, instead, my boss calls and asks me today if she can rally my entire quad (All 1500 people), to participate this year in my name. She said that the professional staff had met, and wanted my permission in the sense that this would "out me" for all of our students, and that how much I want them to know is something they respect. I bawled. I'm so honored that the idea even crossed their mind, let alone could possibly come to existence. If I inspire other people to act, to raise money for the cause, that will never benefit me directly, but has the potential to affect the search for a cure.... I am overwhelmed, yet again.
I believe in this case, that it isn't really about me specifically, that transparency will help ease any tension the students have been feeling from noticing my absence, and also gives them a sense of something they can "do" when they hear about this, as college kids are definitely those who don't have a lot of funds on hand, but when they want to, move mountains. It doesn't need to be in my name, but if that helps motivate people who care about me to ACT, then they again, are becoming part of my miracles, maybe number six is in the works already. This helps ease my urgency, that through me, positivity is coming from this. Healing will happen.
If my amazing prostaff team, who has already taken on a lot of extra in my absence, wants to move a mountain in my name on top of that.... I am in awe. I work with amazing people, and I've always looked up to them, relied on them, and tried to do my part to be a contributing member of the team. Now it's like seeing them with a whole new set of eyes... I'm still processing the sheer awesomeness of Karla, Steve, Brian, Josh, and Janelle.
It's dizzying to realize how one person, one drop, the ripples keep spreading... my struggle has moved others to take up the cause, one less thing to worry about.
Relay 2009 with Jason and Karla
The t-shirts from Relay 2010...
So, in the midst of the long hard, day-to-day fight of cancer, it becomes easy to forget that nothing is guaranteed. What I mean is, just because I'm fighting today, does not mean that this is the only out. Any one of us could be walking down the street and get hit by a bus and POW, that's it. Just the idea of losing him today was a big blow, as it's been pretty clear that I've been writing about him a lot here because he's a big part of how well I'm doing. There are many qualities that women use to measure the worth of a man, and vice versa, but let me tell you, supporting your significant other through cancer, I find this quality incredibly SEXY! Very desirable trait!! He's my hero. He is carrying a large part of this load for me, with me, because of me, and making it all about me.
Here's a shout out to all of those out there who are the caretakers of those with cancer, it is not an easy job, and yet there are very little ways or arenas where they can vent their sacrifice, frustrations, emotions, because it's not supposed to be about them. I have always been Jason's major support system, especially emotionally as he learned a lot of his emotions through me (I'm emotional, it rubbed off, slowly but surely!). Now, you can't vent to the cancer patient about how tired you are or how much you've given up of your comfort, routine, the driving time, money, gas, or that the significant other you've had for the last 5 years is someone different now. Not the someone who obsessively took care of YOU, made you breakfast every day, packed your lunch, fixed you dinner, cleaned up after you, hugged you after a bad day. It's a lot to handle, and Jason felt GUILTY for having a bad day, on top of crashing the car, on top of hurting his pride, because it took away attention from ME.
You want to know what he was most upset about? "How is your dad going to trust me to take care of you if I can't take care of your car?!"
No day is perfect, but I am at peace because he is still with me unharmed, even with a bruised ego and a little whining, he's a joy to be around, I'm lucky he's here. I'm taking pleasure in bragging about how great he is, I think that many of us don't hear it enough. I've said it before, but I will reiterate: the person with cancer is not the only hero in these scenarios!
Then, speaking of heroics... each year, my university hosts a "Relay for Life." Since I've come to the university, I've been the person who does a lot of coordinating for our quad, setting up the tent, selling t-shirts, helping the resident assistants get their teams together, etc. The first year, just because it was fun, last year, because of my great-aunt who is a survivor of breast cancer. I always did it to be apart of the experience, because I felt it was a good cause, and because I had fun there. This year, it was my plan to attend if my energy allowed, maybe not play as active as a role, but to take it in from another perspective. No, instead, my boss calls and asks me today if she can rally my entire quad (All 1500 people), to participate this year in my name. She said that the professional staff had met, and wanted my permission in the sense that this would "out me" for all of our students, and that how much I want them to know is something they respect. I bawled. I'm so honored that the idea even crossed their mind, let alone could possibly come to existence. If I inspire other people to act, to raise money for the cause, that will never benefit me directly, but has the potential to affect the search for a cure.... I am overwhelmed, yet again.
I believe in this case, that it isn't really about me specifically, that transparency will help ease any tension the students have been feeling from noticing my absence, and also gives them a sense of something they can "do" when they hear about this, as college kids are definitely those who don't have a lot of funds on hand, but when they want to, move mountains. It doesn't need to be in my name, but if that helps motivate people who care about me to ACT, then they again, are becoming part of my miracles, maybe number six is in the works already. This helps ease my urgency, that through me, positivity is coming from this. Healing will happen.
If my amazing prostaff team, who has already taken on a lot of extra in my absence, wants to move a mountain in my name on top of that.... I am in awe. I work with amazing people, and I've always looked up to them, relied on them, and tried to do my part to be a contributing member of the team. Now it's like seeing them with a whole new set of eyes... I'm still processing the sheer awesomeness of Karla, Steve, Brian, Josh, and Janelle.
It's dizzying to realize how one person, one drop, the ripples keep spreading... my struggle has moved others to take up the cause, one less thing to worry about.
The t-shirts from Relay 2010...
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