Today was a really bad day. I had to do blood work, again. I ran out of seizure medicine because of an oversight on my part, and had to chase down my doctor, and didn't even get a nurse, so I have tonight's dose and then tomorrow it's hoping I have better luck chasing doctors..... Jason and I had an argument, and I'm exhausted. MEH! (insert 5-year old stomping around and pouty face here).
The oversight sucked because I realized I'm not as detail oriented as I used to be, OR, that I've taken on too much considering I have a gazillion pills to keep track of. Who knows. I felt terrible having to call rushed and in a panic, I always tell my students: "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." I like to live by example, but unfortunately, poor planning on my part will be an actual emergency if I don't get my medicine ASAP. Don't mess with the seizure medicines, that's way worse than playing with fire.
Doctors are kind of important, and my oncologist is so specialized it took 3 weeks just to get an appointment, so I'm not surprised it's an obstacle course to get a call-in for a prescription.
Blood work, good draw, but again, all the silly needles, I'm just cranky really.
Jason and my fight is just way too complex to put on the internet in enough detail. What I can say is that it is about issues we were arguing pretty heavily about in the month prior to all this cancer stuff, and that stress does wear on everyone. The amount of time, attention, favors, hassle, wears on him. The fact that I can't do any of these things myself and have to ask, wears on me. Add that to the normal couple stuff, and POP! Readimade argument, for your viewing pleasure, just "stir the pot" and it's an instant evening of "fun!"
Although today was definitely not perfect, there was some positive points.Collin and I sat and compared music for about an hour, and it was awesome. He knows nothing about anything before 2008. Weird. He does know some "older" stuff via his mom's music choices, but as far as his own. He had no idea who backstreet boys were. Like what? No, it's Justin Bieber generation.
Another positive was that I saw a lot of the professional staff from across the quads today, because we all band together for "housing sign-up!" Good to see everyone, and to help my quad with some hours, and to help student prepare for next fall! That's an exciting idea for me right now, that there is a next fall to look forward to and plan for. I'm just trying to get this semester under control, so next fall, that feels like not the icing, but the sprinkles on the icing on the cake. Bonus!
Housing signup does bring up a sad thing though. Everyone is excited to see me and says "hey you look good, great, so glad you're better! Etc!" It sends a mixed message. People think that because I'm here that I'm 100% back on track. Unfortunately, as I spoke about a lot in my last post, I'm at the halfway mark my first dose of treatment, so I am no way near "better." I'm killing cancer, but I'm more tired every day. I don't want people be be bummed, or get discouraged or worried when I jump back out to conserve my energy for cancer killing. It will not mean I took a turn for the worse, it will just mean that I had to prioritize my health. There is no way to sit down and "announce" this to people. Like people in the department just heard within the last few days that I'm back, I hate to abrah kadabrah and DISAPPEAR on them. (Sorry bad spelling). I don't like there to be mystery surrounding me, I like the transparency, lack on knowledge breads fear. I don't want people scared for me.
There is a rainbow at the end of this stormy day though. Brett will be here tomorrow. With Brett comes a little more flexibility, more freedoms to go places because he's available to go, and someone who is just fun to add in the mix anyway.
Notice my last couple posts have been pretty gloomy? I'm tapping into my inner Eeyore. (oh bother!) Contrary to how I think I've portrayed it, this has not been a constant hearts and candys and rainbows, and oodles of positivity fest. More days and times than not, I'm doing well, feeling good, focused, fighting, and in high spirits. But then again, this is cancer, and it's pretty serious stuff. It comes with hiccups, pill mishaps, fights, frustrations, and overall boo-hoo-ness.
What is interesting, is that I am feeling like having a bad day is a mark of normalcy. Like, in everyday life after this, good and bad days happen. Made it through a bad one, and have some good ones to look forward to, One less thing to worry about.
The oversight sucked because I realized I'm not as detail oriented as I used to be, OR, that I've taken on too much considering I have a gazillion pills to keep track of. Who knows. I felt terrible having to call rushed and in a panic, I always tell my students: "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." I like to live by example, but unfortunately, poor planning on my part will be an actual emergency if I don't get my medicine ASAP. Don't mess with the seizure medicines, that's way worse than playing with fire.
Doctors are kind of important, and my oncologist is so specialized it took 3 weeks just to get an appointment, so I'm not surprised it's an obstacle course to get a call-in for a prescription.
Blood work, good draw, but again, all the silly needles, I'm just cranky really.
Jason and my fight is just way too complex to put on the internet in enough detail. What I can say is that it is about issues we were arguing pretty heavily about in the month prior to all this cancer stuff, and that stress does wear on everyone. The amount of time, attention, favors, hassle, wears on him. The fact that I can't do any of these things myself and have to ask, wears on me. Add that to the normal couple stuff, and POP! Readimade argument, for your viewing pleasure, just "stir the pot" and it's an instant evening of "fun!"
Although today was definitely not perfect, there was some positive points.Collin and I sat and compared music for about an hour, and it was awesome. He knows nothing about anything before 2008. Weird. He does know some "older" stuff via his mom's music choices, but as far as his own. He had no idea who backstreet boys were. Like what? No, it's Justin Bieber generation.
Another positive was that I saw a lot of the professional staff from across the quads today, because we all band together for "housing sign-up!" Good to see everyone, and to help my quad with some hours, and to help student prepare for next fall! That's an exciting idea for me right now, that there is a next fall to look forward to and plan for. I'm just trying to get this semester under control, so next fall, that feels like not the icing, but the sprinkles on the icing on the cake. Bonus!
Housing signup does bring up a sad thing though. Everyone is excited to see me and says "hey you look good, great, so glad you're better! Etc!" It sends a mixed message. People think that because I'm here that I'm 100% back on track. Unfortunately, as I spoke about a lot in my last post, I'm at the halfway mark my first dose of treatment, so I am no way near "better." I'm killing cancer, but I'm more tired every day. I don't want people be be bummed, or get discouraged or worried when I jump back out to conserve my energy for cancer killing. It will not mean I took a turn for the worse, it will just mean that I had to prioritize my health. There is no way to sit down and "announce" this to people. Like people in the department just heard within the last few days that I'm back, I hate to abrah kadabrah and DISAPPEAR on them. (Sorry bad spelling). I don't like there to be mystery surrounding me, I like the transparency, lack on knowledge breads fear. I don't want people scared for me.
There is a rainbow at the end of this stormy day though. Brett will be here tomorrow. With Brett comes a little more flexibility, more freedoms to go places because he's available to go, and someone who is just fun to add in the mix anyway.
Notice my last couple posts have been pretty gloomy? I'm tapping into my inner Eeyore. (oh bother!) Contrary to how I think I've portrayed it, this has not been a constant hearts and candys and rainbows, and oodles of positivity fest. More days and times than not, I'm doing well, feeling good, focused, fighting, and in high spirits. But then again, this is cancer, and it's pretty serious stuff. It comes with hiccups, pill mishaps, fights, frustrations, and overall boo-hoo-ness.
What is interesting, is that I am feeling like having a bad day is a mark of normalcy. Like, in everyday life after this, good and bad days happen. Made it through a bad one, and have some good ones to look forward to, One less thing to worry about.
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