Sorry for the few day absence, apparently I have some fans and was missed. That makes me feel good to know that people are keeping up with me. I have FANS! Woohoo!! =) Even if my fans are good ole mom and dad and my cousins and family friends that might as well be family friends minus the friends part, it's still great. It was the purpose of this thing, to keep people in the loop as well as process my ordeal, and leave something lasting of me out there for the world out on the internet.
I was having a hard time finding some things to write about although I have lots of "updates." I had a medicine mixup Thurs/Friday last week. I called in for a refill on my Tegretol and got Trileptol at half what my normal dose of Tegretol would be. Tegretol, being a seizure medicine that affects my sodium channels in my cells, would not be something you want to mess with. The result, the seizures came back with a vengeance! I had them Fri-Sun, a break on Monday, and then again Tues/Weds. On Tuesday, I had one accompanied with a tingling sensation on the left side of my face. That's never happened before. Scared the crap out of me, which, may have to do with the fact that my seizures trigger my "fear center" and illicit a fear response from me anyways. I normally feel "panicked" but am still able to reason and know that the seizure is making me feel that way, so I can remain completely still and calm. Wednesday's seizure was tough. No tingling, but I was in the middle of a disciplinary meeting with students. I was in the middle of a speech about "personal responsibility" and then found myself not being able to process my own sentence. Normally I go still and attune to my seizures, pay attention to my symptoms, etc. So, Wednesday, for the first time, I was trying to fight them, and all that probably came out was jibberish. Luckily I didn't let that phase me, I took a deep breath, apologized that I was having trouble focusing because I wasn't feeling well, and then started over. No problem. No seizures yesterday. As far as seizures today, nothing yet, cross your fingers for me! I'm back on my appropriate medicine on an increased dose so I should be on the mend.
Having a seizure at work was hard for me, Wednesday morning I had just had a long talk with my radiation doctor, and I am now going to be taking another hiatus from work. AKA, my doctor made me go! She didn't really, I knew it was best, but I struggle with the guilt of being away from work and know that it is tough for my team. I just woke up from a 3 hour nap from 2-5pm, so I know I was ready. I was exhausted by 1pm today, and had only been going for a few hours. I'm reaching the "last leg" of my treatment; starting monday, I have two full weeks of treatment to go. This is after the 5 full weeks I've already had. My doctors commend me on the three weeks of work I was able to squeeze in, but know the inevitable, chemo and radiation EVERY DAY wears on the body, and mine is finally giving me the strong message that "hey this is not cool man, I'm pretty tired now, can we just nap already?"
I have a habit of taking on everyone else's cause. We just recently had kegs and eggs at my university and some students' behavior really disappointed us. A lot of my coworkers are alumnus of the university and they are very upset about the impact certain behaviors of some have on the image of a university and community. On top of that, we have fountain day coming soon, and it always brings it's challenges. This year, an added hurdle is that our fountain will be going under construction starting this spring. This gives students the sense of "its our last fountain day! Let's go out big" so that's another challenge coming up soon. So, university challenges, and then I have a coworker with some family struggles as well, and then there is me, where my paperwork says "6-7 weeks out" when I picked it up from my doctor and I nearly fell over. I will miss all these other causes, I won't be there to offer my support if I really need to stay out of work that long. I worry about my staff doing what I normally do: "Take on too much", in my absence. No I am not the queen of the universe and the world won't fall apart if I'm not around to offer my two bits, I get it, but just the idea of not being around to help freaks me out. Ever since I've moved here and worked here I have put in all the energy, worry, etc, towards my work. Keeping me away from my work is fish out of water life.
Speaking of fish. When I ride "shot gun" in whichever vehicle, I normally press the "imaginary break" and sharply intake my breath when something makes me nervous. One day, while talking about this, I mentioned that it's better to go limp, and so I'm like, oh! "Dead Fish!" and I made a pose. Luckily, it puts Brett in a good mood and makes him laugh when I do it. Jason it was the same as imaginary break. So a little bit of tension there.
My "must control everything" seeps out into the world in many ways, doesn't it? An unnecessary amount of guilt about things at work I cannot control. Imaginary break. Cancer is something that I cannot control, but I can control my pills and get to radiation every day, so that is easy, I'm doing everything I can do. However, cancer is something I can't control period, and so I wonder if my control issues about work, riding in the car, etc, have come to the forefront with a vengeance because it's easier to pretend that I can control those things. I could still sneak over to work, or, I could purchase a driver's training car for my new life of being chauffeured.
Last night I didn't sleep well because today I was going to do a little hustling at my last day at work, and I had no control over when radiation would get out, the traffic, etc. Still didn't stop me from thinking and planning about it while I was sleeping. I used to do that a lot, especially when I was really stressed out. Last November, while trying to study/take the GRE while I had broncitis, while still going to work, and attempting to get a lot of graduate application work done, and trying to get all this done enough to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family.... I didn't sleep hardly at all. My mind plans in this half-awake/half-asleep mode. I know it well. It wasn't bad last night, but the mere fact that it was here... I think it was my control freak getting in it's last hurrah before I take a break for awhile. I'm hoping anyway.
All things are good in moderation. Some positivity and sense of control over cancer will help me view it as beatable and therefore predisposes me towards positive results. Needing to "must control" over everything else is poisonous, and I've been doing it for a long time. The fact that it seeped in so strongly this week worries me. I didn't need cancer in order to change, but I do need to change and have been hoping that cancer is a strong enough adversary to force that change in my mindset. I'm ingesting enough poison for now, and I can't create poison on top of it just because of some insecurity or guilt, or whatever the root of this is.
The cause of Danielle's inner control freak that has manifested itself into a lifestyle over the last 9+ years is not something that we will be able to get into in too much depth here. I smell years of therapy in my near future. =) That's ok, counseling is my background, and counselors need counselors because we handle some serious stuff all the time! I welcome yet another ear to listen to me talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
Bless Brett, he is realizing how much I can't go anywhere without talking for more than a minute. He has been a great sport about that, plus the dead fish, being bound to my timelines, waking up early, etc. All the women in my radiation office, as well as the women in the waiting room (whether they are patients, spouses, family etc), all say to me first thing as I come out of the "back room" is "You have a great brother, or you have such a sweet brother, or what a wonderful brother, here to take care of you." The next person who says that to me, I'm going to say: AMEN to that sister!!! I sure know! He even vacuumed today for Lisa. He is a helpful boy. Plus, he's a good looking young man, and all my nurses at radiation today said, OH that's that handsome kid out there! So apparently some of the nurses have a little crush. There are a couple pretty little ladies in there. I'll put in a good word. I also put a staff member named Kelsey on finding a Albany girl for Brett so he never wants to leave me and wants to move to Albany. Boobies can do that. =)
Yesterday was my 5 year anniversary with Jason. 5 years and he can't get rid of me! AND, vice versa! WHOA. He got a shiny new Barnes and Nobles Nook, and I got a shiny new set of 1 carat earrings that match the shiny 7 carat necklace I got for christmas. We don't normally celebrate anniversaries, but this was a big one, so it was time. He brought over Buffalo Wild Wings, and we watched the movie "Love and Other Drugs." It was about a guy who's a drug rep and a girl with early onset Parkinson's at age 26. Considering I got cancer at age 26, this movie was more than appropriate and we had no idea. Brett watched it with us and he said he almost cried twice. We all loved it, it's strongly recommended over here. So a "big night out" for our anniversary, and it was an excellent time. Jason did his normal "fake me out" thing he does whenever he is given the opportunity to present me with a small box. He got down on one knee at the dinner table in front of the boys... They freaked! Their reaction was funnier than mine since I've grown suspicious at this old joke. Hopefully we continue to have the luck of the Irish in this relationship, and we get another 5 years or more of course. I don't know if it's quite LUCKY if we get another 50, I mean come on! That's a LONG TIME!
So, meeting other milestones while dealing with a big ole hurdle, as well as coming face to face with my own demons, both mental and physical, AND, some rest, relaxation and more quality time with family to look forward to. A few days off from counting, and clearly I would just go and rack up things to be proud of as well as less things to worry about.
From this summer... if you want to see the most recent one of last night's big anniversary celebration, pester Jason, he got the cute one on his phone and won't share!! =)
I was having a hard time finding some things to write about although I have lots of "updates." I had a medicine mixup Thurs/Friday last week. I called in for a refill on my Tegretol and got Trileptol at half what my normal dose of Tegretol would be. Tegretol, being a seizure medicine that affects my sodium channels in my cells, would not be something you want to mess with. The result, the seizures came back with a vengeance! I had them Fri-Sun, a break on Monday, and then again Tues/Weds. On Tuesday, I had one accompanied with a tingling sensation on the left side of my face. That's never happened before. Scared the crap out of me, which, may have to do with the fact that my seizures trigger my "fear center" and illicit a fear response from me anyways. I normally feel "panicked" but am still able to reason and know that the seizure is making me feel that way, so I can remain completely still and calm. Wednesday's seizure was tough. No tingling, but I was in the middle of a disciplinary meeting with students. I was in the middle of a speech about "personal responsibility" and then found myself not being able to process my own sentence. Normally I go still and attune to my seizures, pay attention to my symptoms, etc. So, Wednesday, for the first time, I was trying to fight them, and all that probably came out was jibberish. Luckily I didn't let that phase me, I took a deep breath, apologized that I was having trouble focusing because I wasn't feeling well, and then started over. No problem. No seizures yesterday. As far as seizures today, nothing yet, cross your fingers for me! I'm back on my appropriate medicine on an increased dose so I should be on the mend.
Having a seizure at work was hard for me, Wednesday morning I had just had a long talk with my radiation doctor, and I am now going to be taking another hiatus from work. AKA, my doctor made me go! She didn't really, I knew it was best, but I struggle with the guilt of being away from work and know that it is tough for my team. I just woke up from a 3 hour nap from 2-5pm, so I know I was ready. I was exhausted by 1pm today, and had only been going for a few hours. I'm reaching the "last leg" of my treatment; starting monday, I have two full weeks of treatment to go. This is after the 5 full weeks I've already had. My doctors commend me on the three weeks of work I was able to squeeze in, but know the inevitable, chemo and radiation EVERY DAY wears on the body, and mine is finally giving me the strong message that "hey this is not cool man, I'm pretty tired now, can we just nap already?"
I have a habit of taking on everyone else's cause. We just recently had kegs and eggs at my university and some students' behavior really disappointed us. A lot of my coworkers are alumnus of the university and they are very upset about the impact certain behaviors of some have on the image of a university and community. On top of that, we have fountain day coming soon, and it always brings it's challenges. This year, an added hurdle is that our fountain will be going under construction starting this spring. This gives students the sense of "its our last fountain day! Let's go out big" so that's another challenge coming up soon. So, university challenges, and then I have a coworker with some family struggles as well, and then there is me, where my paperwork says "6-7 weeks out" when I picked it up from my doctor and I nearly fell over. I will miss all these other causes, I won't be there to offer my support if I really need to stay out of work that long. I worry about my staff doing what I normally do: "Take on too much", in my absence. No I am not the queen of the universe and the world won't fall apart if I'm not around to offer my two bits, I get it, but just the idea of not being around to help freaks me out. Ever since I've moved here and worked here I have put in all the energy, worry, etc, towards my work. Keeping me away from my work is fish out of water life.
Speaking of fish. When I ride "shot gun" in whichever vehicle, I normally press the "imaginary break" and sharply intake my breath when something makes me nervous. One day, while talking about this, I mentioned that it's better to go limp, and so I'm like, oh! "Dead Fish!" and I made a pose. Luckily, it puts Brett in a good mood and makes him laugh when I do it. Jason it was the same as imaginary break. So a little bit of tension there.
My "must control everything" seeps out into the world in many ways, doesn't it? An unnecessary amount of guilt about things at work I cannot control. Imaginary break. Cancer is something that I cannot control, but I can control my pills and get to radiation every day, so that is easy, I'm doing everything I can do. However, cancer is something I can't control period, and so I wonder if my control issues about work, riding in the car, etc, have come to the forefront with a vengeance because it's easier to pretend that I can control those things. I could still sneak over to work, or, I could purchase a driver's training car for my new life of being chauffeured.
Last night I didn't sleep well because today I was going to do a little hustling at my last day at work, and I had no control over when radiation would get out, the traffic, etc. Still didn't stop me from thinking and planning about it while I was sleeping. I used to do that a lot, especially when I was really stressed out. Last November, while trying to study/take the GRE while I had broncitis, while still going to work, and attempting to get a lot of graduate application work done, and trying to get all this done enough to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family.... I didn't sleep hardly at all. My mind plans in this half-awake/half-asleep mode. I know it well. It wasn't bad last night, but the mere fact that it was here... I think it was my control freak getting in it's last hurrah before I take a break for awhile. I'm hoping anyway.
All things are good in moderation. Some positivity and sense of control over cancer will help me view it as beatable and therefore predisposes me towards positive results. Needing to "must control" over everything else is poisonous, and I've been doing it for a long time. The fact that it seeped in so strongly this week worries me. I didn't need cancer in order to change, but I do need to change and have been hoping that cancer is a strong enough adversary to force that change in my mindset. I'm ingesting enough poison for now, and I can't create poison on top of it just because of some insecurity or guilt, or whatever the root of this is.
The cause of Danielle's inner control freak that has manifested itself into a lifestyle over the last 9+ years is not something that we will be able to get into in too much depth here. I smell years of therapy in my near future. =) That's ok, counseling is my background, and counselors need counselors because we handle some serious stuff all the time! I welcome yet another ear to listen to me talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
Bless Brett, he is realizing how much I can't go anywhere without talking for more than a minute. He has been a great sport about that, plus the dead fish, being bound to my timelines, waking up early, etc. All the women in my radiation office, as well as the women in the waiting room (whether they are patients, spouses, family etc), all say to me first thing as I come out of the "back room" is "You have a great brother, or you have such a sweet brother, or what a wonderful brother, here to take care of you." The next person who says that to me, I'm going to say: AMEN to that sister!!! I sure know! He even vacuumed today for Lisa. He is a helpful boy. Plus, he's a good looking young man, and all my nurses at radiation today said, OH that's that handsome kid out there! So apparently some of the nurses have a little crush. There are a couple pretty little ladies in there. I'll put in a good word. I also put a staff member named Kelsey on finding a Albany girl for Brett so he never wants to leave me and wants to move to Albany. Boobies can do that. =)
Yesterday was my 5 year anniversary with Jason. 5 years and he can't get rid of me! AND, vice versa! WHOA. He got a shiny new Barnes and Nobles Nook, and I got a shiny new set of 1 carat earrings that match the shiny 7 carat necklace I got for christmas. We don't normally celebrate anniversaries, but this was a big one, so it was time. He brought over Buffalo Wild Wings, and we watched the movie "Love and Other Drugs." It was about a guy who's a drug rep and a girl with early onset Parkinson's at age 26. Considering I got cancer at age 26, this movie was more than appropriate and we had no idea. Brett watched it with us and he said he almost cried twice. We all loved it, it's strongly recommended over here. So a "big night out" for our anniversary, and it was an excellent time. Jason did his normal "fake me out" thing he does whenever he is given the opportunity to present me with a small box. He got down on one knee at the dinner table in front of the boys... They freaked! Their reaction was funnier than mine since I've grown suspicious at this old joke. Hopefully we continue to have the luck of the Irish in this relationship, and we get another 5 years or more of course. I don't know if it's quite LUCKY if we get another 50, I mean come on! That's a LONG TIME!
So, meeting other milestones while dealing with a big ole hurdle, as well as coming face to face with my own demons, both mental and physical, AND, some rest, relaxation and more quality time with family to look forward to. A few days off from counting, and clearly I would just go and rack up things to be proud of as well as less things to worry about.
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