A nice long one on one today at work, it's good to catch up on things. Glad to get a chance to reconnect with my staff and to get a "pulse" of my buildings. Gives me a sense of what's going on again, I feel so out of the loop.
So, there is an issue of being "in treatment" and trying to be at work. I don't do anything halfway. Once I commit, I'm in 100% and go for it as hard as I possibly can. It's hard to do this part of the day, and to be hesitant about signing up for too much with the anticipation that I may not be available to follow through with the task if it is a large one, or time consuming, or something I would need to be present for consistently. I want to say yes, but am trying to be proactive, I don't want to leave anyone hanging. It is my MO to push full steam ahead, and this has given me enough reason to be cautious. I envision this scenario where I try too hard to go back to "work as normal" and end up walking to some meeting and passing out, hit the sidewalk, bump my already battered brain, needing the campus ambulance, terrify the student staff and residents, etc. It would make an AWESOME story,one that I'd be sure to embellish and tell with ease. But I'd prefer to just leave that in the "irrational fears" section of my fantasy world.
I'm finding it frustrating to do the halfway dance, especially as my energy is waning. I'm fighting the tiredness every step of the day, and it's only Tuesday! Tomorrow is a doctor's appointment, so no nap and I'll have to struggle to keep my energy up again. This does not bode well... (play creepy music here).
Sooooooooooooo, long story short: I'm low energy and have fears about finally getting to the point they warned me about. What I've lovingly referred to as being the "vomiting zombie!" Apparently cancer didn't change my need for things to be a little more cut and dry. Like hey... I'm sick at home, or HEY, I'm BETTER and AT WORK! I'm somewhere in the middle.
I'm figuring that the solution to this will be to continue to walk the fine line until my energy gives out, or until my treatment is wrapped up for the semester. The change in this for me, is instead of using my natural "tendency" aka, sheer will, to force a choice one way or another, I will ride this sense of unease out until the path reveals itself to me. Woohoo! Progress? I don't know, but change nonetheless. Thanks for listening to me complain about how uncomfortable this in between is making me. Let's hope it doesn't cause me to create some more irrational fear-based scenarios I can replay. =)
I can hang out in this uncomfortable in between, and am making it! Change, although uncertain whether it's necessary here, is POSSIBLE. I've not lost my ability to learn new tricks! One less thing to worry about.
Jason and I at Relay, was a fun time!
So, there is an issue of being "in treatment" and trying to be at work. I don't do anything halfway. Once I commit, I'm in 100% and go for it as hard as I possibly can. It's hard to do this part of the day, and to be hesitant about signing up for too much with the anticipation that I may not be available to follow through with the task if it is a large one, or time consuming, or something I would need to be present for consistently. I want to say yes, but am trying to be proactive, I don't want to leave anyone hanging. It is my MO to push full steam ahead, and this has given me enough reason to be cautious. I envision this scenario where I try too hard to go back to "work as normal" and end up walking to some meeting and passing out, hit the sidewalk, bump my already battered brain, needing the campus ambulance, terrify the student staff and residents, etc. It would make an AWESOME story,one that I'd be sure to embellish and tell with ease. But I'd prefer to just leave that in the "irrational fears" section of my fantasy world.
I'm finding it frustrating to do the halfway dance, especially as my energy is waning. I'm fighting the tiredness every step of the day, and it's only Tuesday! Tomorrow is a doctor's appointment, so no nap and I'll have to struggle to keep my energy up again. This does not bode well... (play creepy music here).
Sooooooooooooo, long story short: I'm low energy and have fears about finally getting to the point they warned me about. What I've lovingly referred to as being the "vomiting zombie!" Apparently cancer didn't change my need for things to be a little more cut and dry. Like hey... I'm sick at home, or HEY, I'm BETTER and AT WORK! I'm somewhere in the middle.
I'm figuring that the solution to this will be to continue to walk the fine line until my energy gives out, or until my treatment is wrapped up for the semester. The change in this for me, is instead of using my natural "tendency" aka, sheer will, to force a choice one way or another, I will ride this sense of unease out until the path reveals itself to me. Woohoo! Progress? I don't know, but change nonetheless. Thanks for listening to me complain about how uncomfortable this in between is making me. Let's hope it doesn't cause me to create some more irrational fear-based scenarios I can replay. =)
I can hang out in this uncomfortable in between, and am making it! Change, although uncertain whether it's necessary here, is POSSIBLE. I've not lost my ability to learn new tricks! One less thing to worry about.
Jason and I at Relay, was a fun time!
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