Today's day started with fried green tomatoes... the movie. It's a clear reminder that true friendship is a powerful thing, gets you through a lot. Friends are the family you pick, and I have been honored to have experienced many flavors of life through the close bonds of friends. When it comes to this current ailment though, I have cocooned myself in my family world to manage cancer. I will come out into my other world and lean more on my friends when it's time to test the waters of independence again. I know that those who know me best will not say anything because they know how I am and love me how I am. But I do miss the closeness of being with my friends, or talking to them a lot. I haven't had the energy for that, plus I can't pick favorites! It is also a defense mechanism. If I attempt to see friends or operate in life as usual right now, it will remind me of how different things are or how much energy I don't have to maintain that life right now. Some days, especially when Jason and I get some alone time, are really hard because it reminds me of how life was before all this. Bear with me, I will come around, I have to ease in.
Continuing my agenda: Breakfast, beating Christian at monopoly, lunch, nap, trip to walgreens for stuff, dinner, and I BAKED pumpkin spice muffins, watched another movie, currently watching another movie. Notice the trend? Movie day apparently. We're ending the day with "she's out of my league." Just so we're clear, letting a straight married man shave your balls is the most macho thing ever." =)
Notice I'm feeling the need to list of the day's activities? It's because I need to show myself how busy I really am, how filled my days are even without work in the mix. Today my mom and I had a long talk. I'm still frustrated.
In the beginning, around the time that I started this blog, I was still feeling good, I had lots of energy, and was healing well. It was easy to put a positive spin on the challenges I faced because I still felt like ME despite them. Now week 6 into daily treatment, where my body is giving out on me, I'm tired of looking at short hair + blistering skin, and dealing with my psycho "OMG I'm missing work" neurosis, it is harder to look at this the way I began. It was intellectual, abstract, and much easier to see the larger picture in this before I've been grinding in the trenches for a few weeks. It's one thing to stare cancer down and another to live with it.
Today, I felt like I was carrying 100lb weights on my eyelids by 1pm. That's after waking up at 8am with a good night's sleep. I was holding back tears as I forced myself to stay awake until 2pm for my mid-day meds and then took a nap. That was not all of my day, and I have plenty of good moments, but sometimes it's a degrading fight. Naptime like kindergarten, being driven everywhere like a child. I am trying really hard to swallow my vanity in this, but it is not always easy. I falter and have tough moments where it gets to me too. I've barely cried in the last couple weeks, but today I did. I don't know when my energy will come back, but I miss it, a lot.
The life lesson in that one, or the positive spin I always seem to find, is that I have this venue in which to talk about it and plenty of support. Like I said in my first post, I would use this blog as if I were talking to my most intimate confidant. Given this, don't be alarmed, I'm letting you into my vulnerable moments because I know it takes a strong person to wear their emotions so publicly. I can and will proudly. Also, my mom is here with me, and it's easier to manage when you got dear ole mom with you, the one who loves you when you're at your worst. Other things to add: I am STILL having most of my days positive, I still have most my hair, I can still eat HOT SAUCE, and I am powering through those tough moments and exhaustion, it only takes me down temporarily. (I rallied back and baked my pumpkin spice muffins today! TAKE THAT, TIREDNESS!). I'm bouncing back from these lows, one less thing to worry about. Sometimes life really is an exercise in: "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Plus, Aunt Lisa is making macaroni and cheese tomorrow! Ooooooh man life is SO DELICIOUS!
Sunrise, farmington hills, MI... the day I left for Albany this summer. The start of a journey can be beautiful, but notice I didn't photograph the middle?
Continuing my agenda: Breakfast, beating Christian at monopoly, lunch, nap, trip to walgreens for stuff, dinner, and I BAKED pumpkin spice muffins, watched another movie, currently watching another movie. Notice the trend? Movie day apparently. We're ending the day with "she's out of my league." Just so we're clear, letting a straight married man shave your balls is the most macho thing ever." =)
Notice I'm feeling the need to list of the day's activities? It's because I need to show myself how busy I really am, how filled my days are even without work in the mix. Today my mom and I had a long talk. I'm still frustrated.
In the beginning, around the time that I started this blog, I was still feeling good, I had lots of energy, and was healing well. It was easy to put a positive spin on the challenges I faced because I still felt like ME despite them. Now week 6 into daily treatment, where my body is giving out on me, I'm tired of looking at short hair + blistering skin, and dealing with my psycho "OMG I'm missing work" neurosis, it is harder to look at this the way I began. It was intellectual, abstract, and much easier to see the larger picture in this before I've been grinding in the trenches for a few weeks. It's one thing to stare cancer down and another to live with it.
Today, I felt like I was carrying 100lb weights on my eyelids by 1pm. That's after waking up at 8am with a good night's sleep. I was holding back tears as I forced myself to stay awake until 2pm for my mid-day meds and then took a nap. That was not all of my day, and I have plenty of good moments, but sometimes it's a degrading fight. Naptime like kindergarten, being driven everywhere like a child. I am trying really hard to swallow my vanity in this, but it is not always easy. I falter and have tough moments where it gets to me too. I've barely cried in the last couple weeks, but today I did. I don't know when my energy will come back, but I miss it, a lot.
The life lesson in that one, or the positive spin I always seem to find, is that I have this venue in which to talk about it and plenty of support. Like I said in my first post, I would use this blog as if I were talking to my most intimate confidant. Given this, don't be alarmed, I'm letting you into my vulnerable moments because I know it takes a strong person to wear their emotions so publicly. I can and will proudly. Also, my mom is here with me, and it's easier to manage when you got dear ole mom with you, the one who loves you when you're at your worst. Other things to add: I am STILL having most of my days positive, I still have most my hair, I can still eat HOT SAUCE, and I am powering through those tough moments and exhaustion, it only takes me down temporarily. (I rallied back and baked my pumpkin spice muffins today! TAKE THAT, TIREDNESS!). I'm bouncing back from these lows, one less thing to worry about. Sometimes life really is an exercise in: "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Plus, Aunt Lisa is making macaroni and cheese tomorrow! Ooooooh man life is SO DELICIOUS!
Ok Danielle, I'm coming out of the "friend who hasn't called" closet. I follow your blog religiously. I pray for you. But I haven't called. My reason is this: Why make a phone call that has the potential to be awkward? I know we love each other and have much to talk about... but the conversation has a huge chance to be centered around "cancer" and blah blah blah. It was comforting to read this knowing you aren't back in the "friend" swing of things either. Let me know when you are though. :-)
ReplyDelete