Apparently my posts are starting to draw up something in others, a lot of people are reaching out to say hi, that they are thinking of me, etc. I appreciate that, it's nice to hear from people and get a little "hey there cutie!"
Just a clarification from my last post: I in no way am feeling neglected by my friends. No, actually, I feel like I'M the one neglecting my friendships because I'm not putting my energy there. I'm secluding myself with my family right now, so I just wanted my friends to know I'm thinking of them and that I love them.
It's still early in the day, but what I can say is that I successfully evaded a nap! Now, I'm paying for it already, (tired) but I didn't really MEAN to drink that entire grande frappuchino it just tasted good! =) It threw off my nap schedule and so I think it's just going to have to be no nap today and WAY early bedtime. It'll be cute, I bet I can con my mom into reading me a story and everything!
Today I got free daffodils from the american cancer society. They were at radiation today (hopefully they're not radioactive). They're mini ones! I have absolutely no green thumb whatsoever so while I have my green thumbed mother around we're going to figure out a way to give them a fighting chance! It'll be fun to plant them at my aunt's house, she's got lots of yard and she's in that green thumb sector too. I left it at the apartment with Jason, but I'm pretty sure that I'm still killing the cactus my mom gave me also. Yes, I'm that talented at being anti-gardener.
In addition to flowers, today I helped my mom pick out some frames for new glasses and stopped by my apartment for some "pedicure" supplies. I'm going to "do my mom's feet" I've been having her slather lotion on them for days and then it'll be go time! I'll do my nails too. A nice "sit down" but busy task. It'll be good post nap maybe tomorrow or something. Girly stuff, flowers and nails and baking the other day, OH MY!
Jason came to visit yesterday, and we helped my cousin Christian with a poster project on Mr. Popper's Penguins. Jason was able to draw a penguin flexing his biceps and showing off his abs. Yup, he's that good folks!
The mac and cheese was AWESOME, though my aunt is her own worst critic. We didn't add seafood (young picky kids in the house) but the next batch is going to be seafood gone wild! =)
The challenge today is weighing the options. My dad wants me to come home to Michigan after my treatment ends. Like, as soon as this monday. However, I am running out of "time off" as well as would like to go back to my apartment and at least contribute a little bit to this semester before I go home for the summer. It was never my intention to just up and leave, and I wasn't given a choice before. Now I have one, and to me, the idea of leaving the semester on my terms with having accomplished at least a little bit sounds good. However, I remember those previous posts where being at work halfway was very frustrating for me, so I don't know how much I can offer.
ALSO, I have a ton of doctors appointments well into May where we do the "big scans" that show how well this first "battle" went. These scans will determine the next steps. Then, you know, I miss home, and would like to be with my family and back in my small town where everything is as familiar as the back of my hand, and where I really truly would just RELAX. The pressure is completely off if I am 700 miles away from productivity. Also, there is Jason to think about. He's been either living at my aunts with me, or alone for the last couple months. A relationship takes work and let's just say we don't even have enough time together to put work into it, OR, I ask him to work a LOT. Sounds like a blast. Then, I hike him out of work for at least a couple weeks to chill out in my very remote home town? Not exactly his cup of tea, not in the winter. He's more of a kayaker than a skiier. Yeah.
So many things to weigh these days. Whatever choice I make it's always an acrobatic act in logistics, and the best part about it all is, IT DEPENDS! It depends on how I'm feeling, if I can fit my doctors appointments around, if I'm up to working, if I can work out transportation.... there is no promise on when my energy would return, and if I move back to my apartment but am not up to working that will just drive me nuts. Sitting at my apartment all day would require restraints. Then, there is Aunt Lisa too, she made a comment the other day about "empty nest syndrome" if I go.
So, life hands us lemons, we sell those lemons or make the lemonade ourselves, sure. But then what do you do after that? With the speed of my diagnosis, surgery, onset of radiation and chemo, it was almost easier to make those decisions because they were immediate and necessary. Now, the decision-making becomes more about what I WANT/NEED versus what I can PREDICT/PLAN, and what is possible to do when everything is still up in the air? I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow and that unknowing has become a homeostasis. I've accepted it and made my current status quo around it. Now, try to add plans into that. HAHAHA. Hilarious.
Luckily, this all in itself is temporary. I will get to go back to being my obsessive planner self probably by like, August. (See, I've planned when I can be a planner again! LOL). I will drive, work as much as I want to (within reason of course), and go back to pestering Jason about our retirement plans. (He'll be thrilled).
Until then, I'm embracing the moment, going back to focusing on the "each day at a time" thing, with the end goal of "better" in sight. Everything else will fall into place no matter how much time I obsess, weigh options, and worry about logistics. So, right now I'm not. Tonight is more mac and cheese, and probably some more movies, and more of Christian's project. If I worry about things I can't control I will start injecting that poison back into me and let's be real, I wouldn't let Jason kiss me yesterday because I'm "Poison Ivy" right now. No mental poison just chemo! LoL. That's an interesting mantra?
Some days, the toughest stuff I'm facing is self-created, and I have the option end it any time I want. One less thing to worry about.
Dandelions are the toughest flowers ever... think about that the next time you try to mow those bad boys over! Just like any other flower, they exist here in the world today. They do not lament the past and they do not stare ahead of themselves to look to the future...
Just a clarification from my last post: I in no way am feeling neglected by my friends. No, actually, I feel like I'M the one neglecting my friendships because I'm not putting my energy there. I'm secluding myself with my family right now, so I just wanted my friends to know I'm thinking of them and that I love them.
It's still early in the day, but what I can say is that I successfully evaded a nap! Now, I'm paying for it already, (tired) but I didn't really MEAN to drink that entire grande frappuchino it just tasted good! =) It threw off my nap schedule and so I think it's just going to have to be no nap today and WAY early bedtime. It'll be cute, I bet I can con my mom into reading me a story and everything!
Today I got free daffodils from the american cancer society. They were at radiation today (hopefully they're not radioactive). They're mini ones! I have absolutely no green thumb whatsoever so while I have my green thumbed mother around we're going to figure out a way to give them a fighting chance! It'll be fun to plant them at my aunt's house, she's got lots of yard and she's in that green thumb sector too. I left it at the apartment with Jason, but I'm pretty sure that I'm still killing the cactus my mom gave me also. Yes, I'm that talented at being anti-gardener.
In addition to flowers, today I helped my mom pick out some frames for new glasses and stopped by my apartment for some "pedicure" supplies. I'm going to "do my mom's feet" I've been having her slather lotion on them for days and then it'll be go time! I'll do my nails too. A nice "sit down" but busy task. It'll be good post nap maybe tomorrow or something. Girly stuff, flowers and nails and baking the other day, OH MY!
Jason came to visit yesterday, and we helped my cousin Christian with a poster project on Mr. Popper's Penguins. Jason was able to draw a penguin flexing his biceps and showing off his abs. Yup, he's that good folks!
The mac and cheese was AWESOME, though my aunt is her own worst critic. We didn't add seafood (young picky kids in the house) but the next batch is going to be seafood gone wild! =)
The challenge today is weighing the options. My dad wants me to come home to Michigan after my treatment ends. Like, as soon as this monday. However, I am running out of "time off" as well as would like to go back to my apartment and at least contribute a little bit to this semester before I go home for the summer. It was never my intention to just up and leave, and I wasn't given a choice before. Now I have one, and to me, the idea of leaving the semester on my terms with having accomplished at least a little bit sounds good. However, I remember those previous posts where being at work halfway was very frustrating for me, so I don't know how much I can offer.
ALSO, I have a ton of doctors appointments well into May where we do the "big scans" that show how well this first "battle" went. These scans will determine the next steps. Then, you know, I miss home, and would like to be with my family and back in my small town where everything is as familiar as the back of my hand, and where I really truly would just RELAX. The pressure is completely off if I am 700 miles away from productivity. Also, there is Jason to think about. He's been either living at my aunts with me, or alone for the last couple months. A relationship takes work and let's just say we don't even have enough time together to put work into it, OR, I ask him to work a LOT. Sounds like a blast. Then, I hike him out of work for at least a couple weeks to chill out in my very remote home town? Not exactly his cup of tea, not in the winter. He's more of a kayaker than a skiier. Yeah.
So many things to weigh these days. Whatever choice I make it's always an acrobatic act in logistics, and the best part about it all is, IT DEPENDS! It depends on how I'm feeling, if I can fit my doctors appointments around, if I'm up to working, if I can work out transportation.... there is no promise on when my energy would return, and if I move back to my apartment but am not up to working that will just drive me nuts. Sitting at my apartment all day would require restraints. Then, there is Aunt Lisa too, she made a comment the other day about "empty nest syndrome" if I go.
So, life hands us lemons, we sell those lemons or make the lemonade ourselves, sure. But then what do you do after that? With the speed of my diagnosis, surgery, onset of radiation and chemo, it was almost easier to make those decisions because they were immediate and necessary. Now, the decision-making becomes more about what I WANT/NEED versus what I can PREDICT/PLAN, and what is possible to do when everything is still up in the air? I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow and that unknowing has become a homeostasis. I've accepted it and made my current status quo around it. Now, try to add plans into that. HAHAHA. Hilarious.
Luckily, this all in itself is temporary. I will get to go back to being my obsessive planner self probably by like, August. (See, I've planned when I can be a planner again! LOL). I will drive, work as much as I want to (within reason of course), and go back to pestering Jason about our retirement plans. (He'll be thrilled).
Until then, I'm embracing the moment, going back to focusing on the "each day at a time" thing, with the end goal of "better" in sight. Everything else will fall into place no matter how much time I obsess, weigh options, and worry about logistics. So, right now I'm not. Tonight is more mac and cheese, and probably some more movies, and more of Christian's project. If I worry about things I can't control I will start injecting that poison back into me and let's be real, I wouldn't let Jason kiss me yesterday because I'm "Poison Ivy" right now. No mental poison just chemo! LoL. That's an interesting mantra?
Some days, the toughest stuff I'm facing is self-created, and I have the option end it any time I want. One less thing to worry about.
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