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Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to...

...Work I go! Today was one of those days that nothing seemed to go quite as planned, but it all went perfect in it's own way. It started with me getting all antsy because we were almost late to radiation (Huge rainstorm after a huge snowstorm on friday, totally makes sense!), only for radiation to take me in 45 minutes late, which made Jason late getting me a lunch and to campus, costing him a half-day of work. Then, I went into work at 1, had a good meeting, sat and talked with a coworker, prayed with our administrative assistant, and then tried to get "reoriented" this afternoon. They've got tasks for me to do! Woohoo!!

You know those stories of those guys who retire, and then they die three days later because they worked for so long and made work so much of themselves, that they must have subconsciously not had much to live for if it wasn't work. I thought I may be one of those people. Today has me convinced. Just being there gave me energy, purpose, and a sense of "hey, this feels right/familiar/like I got the last puzzle piece!" It felt good to focus on something other than cancer. I've been so busy focusing on beating my odds, taking care of my body, taking my pills, obsessing over the guilt/burden I've been putting on my family, and sucking as much "quality time" as I can with my family, that I hadn't really be focusing on "life after cancer." Today was the day that I let that thought in.

I don't know how else to explain this, but the day I found out about my tumor, I went in and spoke with the directors at my work, my boss drove me over and was with me. I spent a better part of the day telling the news, and crying, and trying to process the shock with people I respected and looked up to, people who had supported and guided me at.... WORK (of course). Then, the next day, I put on my warrior face like nothing was wrong and worked, because I wanted a day of "normal" before I walked into this.Then, as soon as I knew that surgery was going to happen, and all these very dangerous risks involved with opening my head, breaking my skull, and taking out a very large chunk of brain, I accepted death. Immediately. I went in feeling accomplished, well-loved, fulfilled with the life I'd lived and the things I'd done, how I'd treated others, etc. The night before I had my surgery, I spent most of it comforting others, close friends, Jason, my dad. It was almost off-putting, it was like the switch flipped and I went from forward focused with my whole life in front of me, to accepting my life as a past-tense entity.

Since then, the things that bring tears most often is my concern for my family and friends after I've passed on, knowing that they all will outlive me, and not wanting them to go through grief, etc. It was very rare that I grieved myself. One day that really got me, was when Jason taught my cousins how to shuffle cards. Watching him teach with patience and skill was first time I mourned idea that I may not live long enough to raise children with him. Moments like this would seep in here and there, but most of this constant fight has been to keep me present with the ones who will miss me most.

Today, work gave me a break from that focus, and also a taste of the things I used to fight for for myself, for my future, for MY life. So, regardless of how much of my life I have left, work is something I enjoy doing, that gives me purpose and lifts my spirit... so I'll be doing some more of that for as long as I can! It'll be FUN!

I am lucky that in the midst of this I have a flexible, supportive, and warm work environment to go to. People who are willing to stand by me as I test my capabilities again.

So here's to my life's work, literally. One less thing to worry about.

Student Staff Training.... campfire, marshmallows, laughter... WORK. =)

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