Before talking about anything else, I want to shout from the rooftops that the Celebration of Danielle's life was wonderful. It was everything I wanted, and more. Stories, memories, videos... I feel like everyone there got to know her a little better. After a month of planning, everything went perfectly, and I know, in my heart, that Danielle would have loved it. One less thing to worry about.
A big thank you to everyone who came. And thank you too, to everyone who wanted to be there but for whatever reason couldn't, for keeping Danielle, Torin and me in your thoughts. And biggest thanks of all to my Planning Committee, without whom there's no way I could have pulled this off. Your love for and dedication to Danielle are humbling.
In the week following Danielle's passing, I just wanted to be alone. I kept myself distracted with video games and audio books. Anything to focus on, to keep my mind from wandering to sad thoughts. I only had one meltdown during this period; of all things, it was incited by the act of ordering pizza and being reminded of what Danielle liked to order. After some sobbing and wailing, I got control back of myself.
I started working again too, after a few days. Focusing on my job is just as effective a distraction as games, books, et cetera, and being productive makes me feel good. My coworkers wisely didn't bring anything up, and during the day I could almost pretend things were normal.
The only big interruption to my solitude during that week was a private, family-only last-chance viewing before Danielle was cremated. I found myself repeating my little ritual from a few days prior; kissing her lips, rubbing our noses together, touching foreheads, and making promises. She was very cold, from being in the freezer, but I didn't let that bother me. I had bought some flowers for everyone to place on her as we said our goodbyes, and I had really hoped we could get Torin to place his, but he was still sick and cranky, and didn't understand. But that's okay.
Danielle told me long ago that she wanted to be cremated, and for her ashes to be spread on Lake Michigan. I'm deviating from this slightly, in that I'm having her ashes be solidified into Parting Stones. I intend to spread some of the stones on Lake Michigan (possibly renting/chartering a boat this summer to do so), but some I want to keep. I want to be able to having something of Danielle to hold tightly, those times when I'm missing her the most. The stones take ~10 weeks to make, which is why there wasn't an urn or anything at the Celebration.
Eventually, Torin came back. I knew I needed help with him, and we at first weren't sure what that would look like. I considered staying with my parents for a while - something I had even thought a little about before the end. However, we realized that Torin had had quite enough upheaval, and that he needed to be used to staying at his home with me as much as possible.
So this is what we've worked out, for the short term: my parents have been staying here at my house and helping to look after Torin, particularly while I work during the week. Danielle's parents take shifts too, particularly when my parents need to be elsewhere (usually involving their cabin up north, which is still having work done). Her dad has already spent a week here, and her mom will be coming in a few days. (A bunch of her coworkers donated vacation days to her for spending time with Torin, which is amazing.)
Another bonus to keeping Torin at his real home is that his daycare is right down the street. However, after finally getting over being sick, he went back for a whole two days and got sick again. This time, he was vomiting all day for a day. And the day after that, I was vomiting all day. My dad lucked out and escaped all that, while my mom didn't feel well but never as acutely as Torin and me (though she was slower to recover). Then, a week later, when Danielle's dad came, he vomited all day for a day. So we had quite a time. I decided that even after he was fully recovered, I would keep Torin home from daycare until after the Celebration, as I didn't want to risk him (or us) being sick that day.
With our new strategy of having someone here all week, it didn't make sense to keep him in daycare 5 days week, so I reduced it to 3. (They graciously decided not to charge me for May anyways, since Torin had been there a total of 6 days between March 27th and the Celebration on May 7th.) So this past week, he finally went back, and has managed not to come home with any new bug! My parents used that time while he was there to run errands and take care of stuff back home in Brighton.
This Friday, they went home after I was done with work, leaving me with Torin. It was just us for about 24 hours - the first I'd been the only one caring for him for a couple months, since Danielle first took a down-turn. It went fine, though it made me appreciate all the help even more - chasing a toddler is a full time job! But that's how I imagine things will go, moving forward - me taking solo days more and more often, baby steps toward being a self-sufficient single parent.
Friday after my parents left, a college friend who lives nearby came over with her family, and we had a nice visit. Other than the Celebration and preparation for it, it was the first time I had seen... well just about anyone for a social call in a long time. Then Saturday evening, I dropped Torin off with my parents and went to see some other college friends at a barbecue. (I didn't bring Torin because he's too young to let run around with the other kids who were there (aged 4 to 9), so I wouldn't have had as much quality time while minding him. Next time though, I'll bring him.) It was really good to see people and feel more normal again. I'm not exactly ready to be a social butterfly, but I do want to continue reconnecting with people.
On the surface, things seem to be going well enough, all things considered. Internally, I'm still a mess, which is probably not surprising. A lot of the time, I feel empty, hallow. It's hard to find anything to think about that brings joy; trains of thought inevitably lead back toward sadness and rumination. Unless I'm exhausted (and I've come to find that emotional exhaustion is a real thing), sleep can be difficult.
One Saturday, while trying to look through pictures for use in the slide shows at the Celebration, I lost it. I sobbed; I curled up on the living room floor; I eventually retreated to my room. I asked my parents to take Torin away and let me be alone. Most days, I can keep my composure, even when thinking unhappy thoughts, while other days times I'll give teary and sniffly; it's always a crapshoot. I've still only had the two complete meltdowns (this one and the aforementioned pizza-ordering incident).
Even though I know I shouldn't think like this, I can't help but pore over what-ifs and regrets about the last year. Was I naive in trying to live life as normal (or what constitutes normal in a pandemic) for as long as I did? What could I have done to give Danielle the quality time and experiences she deserved? Should we have taken more trips, COVID be damned? Should I have spoken more openly with her about her fears? Should I have taken more pictures/videos? What else could I have done to help Torin remember her?
This is why I need distractions - things that take my whole focus. Audio books to fall asleep to; podcasts while doing chores or walking the dog; games to while away the evenings with. The worst part is that Torin himself is not distraction enough. Spending time with him is the most important thing I can be doing with my life right now, and it hurts. What could possibly remind me of Danielle more than the child we had together?
The thing is, he's supposed to remind me of Danielle. Though I think I only mentioned it to her once, because it was painful to talk about even before she got sick again, one of my primary motivators for having a child with her was that I knew she wouldn't be around my whole life. By having a kid, we ensured that Danielle would always be with me in a real and tangible way.
Even though it's hard, it's vital for both of us that I continue to be there, to solidify our bond, to be the most important facet of his life, as he is mine. I know that in time, Torin will only be a happy reminder of his mama - my love.
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