Hi Friends! Some updates and some thoughts:
Before became ill, I never really considered cancer alongside work. People who have cancer work all of the time. I knew people who had had cancer and were working. What that is like for people isn't common knowledge, it was never discussed in my circles. Last time, while battling, I worked and I was fine.
However, I was in the middle of applications/talks for a position as a student in a Career Psychology PhD program. I walked away from the vision of myself as a Dr. because I was sick. I didn't want to accept a spot that someone else could have because there was no guarantee I would live long enough to finish the program. I also decided that I didn't need a PhD to do what I loved, which was work with and guide college students. So I did that.
This time, I am on the baby train so balancing work with cancer is not a current predicament. However, I am considering restarting my coaching, especially since I was invited to conduct a training session this Fall. Great news! I'm excited to be invited back, must mean it's working?! Or is it not working... yet.
My true love is Higher Ed though, and I've always kept a side-eye for local opportunities to work with students. The training sessions I do are often on-campus. However, I should have turned off my notifications from LinkedIn a couple of months ago. For the last couple of weeks, I've been receiving reminders for my dream job at UofM. I'm plenty well enough to do the job, but, the risk of exposure to any and all germs is not wise. Moreso, the risk that my energy might wane as the year progresses, not fair to them. So, I won't apply.
Again, I am passing on a career opportunity/possibility. Cancer forces you to make choices that are sometimes not aligned with who you think or hope you are. You sacrifice. Like last time, a piece of me died a little, so, like last time, I'm allowed to feel heartbroken about my decision.
You know what is ironic? The research I was doing back when and was going to expand on in my PhD program was a juxtaposition to previous notions about how we can predetermine who someone is and from that, predict where they'll be productive and happy at work. Instead, it was going to examine and quantify how it's more about our location, life experiences, and the people in our lives that impact where we work and what work we do. Provide more proof and information to the assertion and more recent career theories that our careers grow and change because we change.
So yes, a little dejected, but it is a momentary blip of sadness in comparison to the joy of all the other amazing people and accomplishments in my life. My career is still transforming so on to the next! Training this Fall, maybe a marine biologist by Spring, olympian next year, nobel peace prize winner the year after... etc.
I made it through chemo at 75% of the therapeutic dose last week. It hit me harder than the first time at that level because I'm already beaten up some but I'm still weathering the storm.
My body is protesting but I'm still winning and healthy-ish. Plus, I am looking forward to the training this Fall and confident that I still have plenty to contribute to the world of work, one less thing to worry about.
Torin loves to laugh, be silly, and tickle! Like all babies, his laugh is pure joy and melts our hearts. He does this thing I haven't seen babies do. When we're tickling and whatnots he grabs my hair (ouch!) and uses it to push his face into my face. He just smooshes and giggles and mauls my face. It's also how I get head-butted and fat lips, but it's the most unabandonedly loved I'll ever be. Today he was getting slap happy tired and extra "eat your face" and I started crying. I hope this is always how he knows me, and someday how he remembers me, laughter and smooshed faces so close no love can escape! 🥰
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