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In your heeeead, in your heeeead!

 Just when you think things are looking up...

Monday I got my bloodwork done and my platelets have skyrocketed. I went from 44k to 152k. After seeing that, I sent my doctor a message thinking we would get started on this next round of chemo in another day or two. 

Yesterday, I read a message from them that we are not starting for at least another week. My platelets bounced back but my white count is still dropping. I have to take my temp daily and go for bloodwork this upcoming Monday. 

This was disappointing news, and I was a little downtrodden about it but my first thought was "well that bites, but it's doable, I'll probably be fine". Planner Danielle thought about next week and the possibility of going onto chemo that week and began to make arrangements. 

As I went through the mental checklists I realized that that upcoming weekend is Torin's birthday and I might be on chemo and feeling unwell on his first birthday. Then I was not OK. This whole thing is hard and I've relied on my ability to compartmentalize in order to deal with it in pieces. When it comes to my baby, I can't do that. Just the idea of a special time for him being tainted by my illness struck an emotional chord so deep I couldn't keep myself from catastrophizing. So far, it was the first punch I couldn't roll with. I did a lot of on and off crying yesterday.

However, my being "that sick" next week is not inevitable.
In fact, it is extremely unlikely that I'd be feeling so unwell I wouldn't be fully present for Torin on his special day.
Even if I did feel unwell, it won't be the end of the world to adjust when we celebrate. 

So, after all of my grieving, the major emotional hit of the recent weeks is one I most likely made up in my head! 

One less thing to worry about?


Two boys "helping" unload the dishwasher:




He always finds the most "comfortable" positions...



Comments

  1. UnknownMay 25, 2021 at 4:10 PM

    I know you're the strongest!!! Sorry that I was preoccupied with school and everything else this past semester, but I'm caught up with all the blogs you've updated so far. I know how frustrating it is when your platelets and white cells are too low to continue another round of chemo. Been there as well. But I'm sure things will work out eventually. I don't know why, but somehow I know it will. Thinking of you all the time and plz send my best wishes to your little Torin!!

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