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One Down, Eleven To Go

Friday evening I took my last dose of the 5-day marathon. Whew. 

I had started to feel cruddy on Thursday, Friday I ate, a bagel, Saturday I ate, a bagel. Sunday morning I felt the worst and it was the only day I puked. After I bid the lid goodbye, I took some antinausea meds and was able to eat later. Today I'm feeling much better, bouts of energy and eating more than a bagel. Though I still had a bagel. They are delicious.

I'm uncomfortable because I'm in the "in-between sick" stage. People worriedly ask how I'm doing and all I can say is "I'm tired", or "I'm nauseated". But I don't look like I have cancer. I'm not hugging the toilet seat or dosing off in my chair 100% of my days. It's a weird place to be because I don't feel well but not unwell enough to feel worthy of the level of concern I'm getting. 

The majority of us have been touched by cancer in some way by now. We ourselves, or family, or friends, or colleagues, have fought. Some win, some lose. We know that cancer doesn't look the same for everyone. However, we create stereotypes of something and unconsciously or consciously measure everything to the picture in our head of what it is, or is "supposed" to look like. My conundrum comes from knowing that I don't fit my own stereotype of "cancer" and probably don't meet your expectations either. 

So, I feel unworthy but also feel sick. Plus, as a happy helper, I'm bewildered by and don't know how to accept help. People reaching out to me is like: "What is that? Ewww! Get it off of me!" 

An important part of friendship is checking in and I love and appreciate you all in my life. However, if I am awkward, or short, or change the subject in my response when you reach out, no worries, you're fine and not unwelcome. I'm just working through my own cultural constructs and emotional baggage. No big deal.

In sum, I didn't feel well, but not unwell enough to cause alarm, and will probably be back to at least 80% in the next day or two. That is on par with last time and what I can expect next month. One less thing to worry about?? Ewww! Get it off of me!

Happy belated St. Pat t-rex Day from my squirmy Dinosaur!







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