I'mmmmm Baaaaacccckkkk

 Well it's been a loooong time since I've written, unfortunately, it's time. 10 years and 1 month since my last cancer diagnosis, I got a new cancer diagnosis.

For those just joining us or for those who need a recap since it's been awhile:

December 2010 I started to experience weird smells and sensations. At the time I was living in Albany and working for Residential Life. This allowed me to take a long break like the students and I went home to Michigan for the holidays. During that time I was having more and more of these "episodes"so each time my dad would check my eyes and look for twitching. Nothing. He ran into the neurologist in the cafeteria, explained my symptoms, and asked what he thought. He said: I think I need to see her now. The neurologist looks me over, sees nothing, but puts me on anti-eplieptic meds and recommends that as soon as I get back to NY I have my primary order some tests

Wednesday Jan 12, 2011 I see my primary, he orders tests. The 13th, I do the tests. 10:30 AM on Friday January 14th 2011, he calls and says that I have a brain tumor the size of an easter egg and I need surgery IMMEDIATLY. A few days later, Wednesday January 19th, 2011, I have brain surgery. 

I come out of the surgery still "me", and do extremely well. I leave the hospital three days later. On the 27th, we get the call to confirm that it is cancer. Stage 3. Anaplastic Astrocytoma if you want to google it.

I did 6 weeks of daily chemo and radiation, took a month off, did another scan to see how we "did", and then continued chemo for another year. 

On February 6th, 2012 I was declared as "in remssion", which for brain tumors is a little different than a lot of other cancers. Earl(my tumor) was at about 30% of his original size before surgery and he was no longer "eating" or advancing into my neighboring tissue. After that I had a scan once every 3 months, then 4, then 6, etc.

Lasting symptom: epilepsy. Those smells and sensations were seizures. Not the scary kind like on TV, just misfirings in the brain. I'm on med to keep them from progressing into the scary kind.

Over the years I've only had to think about my tumor every few months when I get a maintenance scan and/or every so often when I had a seizure. That's pretty lucky. I had something of note to "watch" a couple of years ago that disappeared in my next scan. But Monday Feb 15th,  2021 we got some different news. In short, there was "uptake" of a dye in my MRI which signals that Earl is active and eating again. We had to wait until Friday to find out how bad it was based on the expertise of the full tumor group that meets on Fridays. We did a lot of crying in those waiting days. We got confirmation Friday, the 19th that cancer was back. I had 9 years and 2 weeks of remission. I'm in the 15% of brain tumor survivors to make it longer than 5 years post tumor. I'm lucky to have had this time but it seems like it's time to fight again.

Next week we will meet with the doctor to discuss and finalize the treatment plan. What we know so far is that it "looks" like a stage two. However, because I had stage three before we are treating it as such. It seems like we're leaning towards chemo again to start.

Chemo is scary enough, but I'm now I'm also worried about going on chemo during the pandemic. Not a great time to be immunosuppressed. Not a great time to be isolated from our families. The brief visits we've had with my family have been with masks only. Our baby has never seen my parents' faces. Now they won't be able to come and help us. They work in healthcare, too much exposure. Last time, help from my family was difficult to coordinate because of distance between New York and Michigan, now it's a health crisis. AWESOME.

We have a new and very scary concern, our son is not quite 9 months old yet. My goal was to last long enough for him to be able to remember me. Now, it might be harder to achieve that goal than I hoped. His first year of life has been pretty tough, his mom had Covid when he was born, had c-section complications, broke her ankle, and now we're dealing with cancer. He's like "wow, does this lady have her shit together? I'm not so sure...."

The first time with cancer it was terrible news but I came out on the other side much more successful than we had anticipated. I would greatly appreciate a little bit of that luck again, we'll see if I can get struck by lightning twice and still be standing. Fingers crossed.

Knowing that this bad news is going to have people feeling the feels and wanting to reach out is why I blog. It's nice to get it all out and help keep you all updated on how things are going. For people going through something tough, it can cost a lot of energy rehashing it over and over. 

Also, last time, tons of people sent flowers and cards, that's awesome. However, the detox ritual we have regarding items before they're allowed in the house will kill any and all flowers so please refrain. If you still would like to "do" something to show support I'll figure out/set up something that you could contribute to for our little kiddo.

Also, I'm not going to break tradition: I am married to the kindest person on the planet, one less thing to worry about. 

This year has been worse for Aaron than for Torin. He signed up for this life with me "knowing" what he was committing to but not having a true understanding of what it would look like down the road. In the face of his worst nightmare, he is still him, we are still us. I feel loved and supported and know that he has my back.