So, it's been awhile.... sorry about that.
Between Hawaii and then going home, going to DC, and the madhouse that will be the last 8 weeks of the semester. I'm coming up for air briefly to think.
It's 78 degrees in March, and it's weirding me out besides being WONDERFUL. I want to sit outside and read a good book and collect a "real tan" instead of the oompa loompa shade my boss makes fun of me for if I go "fake bake" too much.
All this travel has given me a taste of what a non-reslife life could look like. I want what a coworker of mine calls a "big kid" job. I've applied, I'm waiting. I don't even know if I want to work anymore either, yup, that's how disenfranchised I'm feeling these days about what I do. I love my students, the day to day is good, like I don't dread going in in the morning or anything, but when I look ahead, I get depressed, because I don't want to be doing this AGAIN starting next fall. I will if I have to, but I'm bored. I'm a planner, I am always looking at the next step and there is no next step guaranteed for my career.
I'm assuming this is when most girls start planning weddings and babies; we all know that that is not me.I'm ambivalent about the whole ordeal. Jason and I did celebrate our 6-year anniversary on the 17th, which is a LONG time. I teased him that we needed to get married so we could get divorced and be happy forever. (Our anniversary is the day we broke up and have been happy ever since). We're a couple of odd ducks for sure.
So, without the fallback of domestic bliss, my career is the mainstay of my pride and planning and there is no definite plan in sight. I'm in the "see what happens" mode and I'm still not comfortable there. Yes, I can take it, but I don't have to like it.
On a positive note, I got another MRI and bloodwork today. My WBC has finally reached the "normal" level, and my scan looks consistent with the others. Still staying off the chemo! Whoop! AND, I get to start weening off of one of my seizure medicines. It's the one that has the most reactivity and side effects, so this could be good. I might be able to finally eat grapefruit again! =)
In my travels, I talked with this guy who sat next to me (my typical chatty MO). He is the same age as me, an assistant coach for a D3 college, and we were talking about job hunting and his new relationship and how it might end if he relocates for a job, plus the stress of moving, etc. Then, amongst my talk about relationships and jobs I opened up about my sickness. He was baffled and claimed he felt like a jerk for talking about his 'little' problems while I had overcame so much. I laughed and told him this: My biggest complaint right now is job stuff too, and everyone has their struggle, nobody's problem is more important than someone else's. All "problems" are genuine concerns and cause for stress and we all carry our individual loads.
I believe that we are each given just enough to handle, and some people have a greater capacity to handle "stuff". I'm oftentimes awestruck at how much each of my parents carry on their shoulders. But comparing is valuing someone or something over someone else, and when you view those individual instances in a larger overall framework, it seems silly to compare. If I am someone who melts down because there is a stain on my shirt, it's probably not just that, it's just all we see at the moment. Nobody's load is more or less, it's the "burden" meant for me in order to live and learn the grow the way I'm meant to, as for you. Some stars shine dimly for a REALLY long time, some shine fairly well for a pretty long time, and others shine bright for a shorter time. If this is really how it works, I might be a super nova. A flash of light and then gone, but more energetic than the SUN...
So anyways, the reason I bring that up is, my burden is lessoning in one area and it gives me time to focus on another part of the load. I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to worry about "normal" things again. Plus, I'm weening meds, which means one less pill everyday and one less thing to worry about overall...
Between Hawaii and then going home, going to DC, and the madhouse that will be the last 8 weeks of the semester. I'm coming up for air briefly to think.
It's 78 degrees in March, and it's weirding me out besides being WONDERFUL. I want to sit outside and read a good book and collect a "real tan" instead of the oompa loompa shade my boss makes fun of me for if I go "fake bake" too much.
All this travel has given me a taste of what a non-reslife life could look like. I want what a coworker of mine calls a "big kid" job. I've applied, I'm waiting. I don't even know if I want to work anymore either, yup, that's how disenfranchised I'm feeling these days about what I do. I love my students, the day to day is good, like I don't dread going in in the morning or anything, but when I look ahead, I get depressed, because I don't want to be doing this AGAIN starting next fall. I will if I have to, but I'm bored. I'm a planner, I am always looking at the next step and there is no next step guaranteed for my career.
I'm assuming this is when most girls start planning weddings and babies; we all know that that is not me.I'm ambivalent about the whole ordeal. Jason and I did celebrate our 6-year anniversary on the 17th, which is a LONG time. I teased him that we needed to get married so we could get divorced and be happy forever. (Our anniversary is the day we broke up and have been happy ever since). We're a couple of odd ducks for sure.
So, without the fallback of domestic bliss, my career is the mainstay of my pride and planning and there is no definite plan in sight. I'm in the "see what happens" mode and I'm still not comfortable there. Yes, I can take it, but I don't have to like it.
On a positive note, I got another MRI and bloodwork today. My WBC has finally reached the "normal" level, and my scan looks consistent with the others. Still staying off the chemo! Whoop! AND, I get to start weening off of one of my seizure medicines. It's the one that has the most reactivity and side effects, so this could be good. I might be able to finally eat grapefruit again! =)
In my travels, I talked with this guy who sat next to me (my typical chatty MO). He is the same age as me, an assistant coach for a D3 college, and we were talking about job hunting and his new relationship and how it might end if he relocates for a job, plus the stress of moving, etc. Then, amongst my talk about relationships and jobs I opened up about my sickness. He was baffled and claimed he felt like a jerk for talking about his 'little' problems while I had overcame so much. I laughed and told him this: My biggest complaint right now is job stuff too, and everyone has their struggle, nobody's problem is more important than someone else's. All "problems" are genuine concerns and cause for stress and we all carry our individual loads.
I believe that we are each given just enough to handle, and some people have a greater capacity to handle "stuff". I'm oftentimes awestruck at how much each of my parents carry on their shoulders. But comparing is valuing someone or something over someone else, and when you view those individual instances in a larger overall framework, it seems silly to compare. If I am someone who melts down because there is a stain on my shirt, it's probably not just that, it's just all we see at the moment. Nobody's load is more or less, it's the "burden" meant for me in order to live and learn the grow the way I'm meant to, as for you. Some stars shine dimly for a REALLY long time, some shine fairly well for a pretty long time, and others shine bright for a shorter time. If this is really how it works, I might be a super nova. A flash of light and then gone, but more energetic than the SUN...
So anyways, the reason I bring that up is, my burden is lessoning in one area and it gives me time to focus on another part of the load. I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to worry about "normal" things again. Plus, I'm weening meds, which means one less pill everyday and one less thing to worry about overall...
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