Sorry for the long absence, work, laziness, etc.
We are quickly approaching the year anniversary of my tumor and cancer diagnosis. This has me reflecting on the year. I've spent the last week or so thinking about my life and how I've spent the year. I have some depressing stuff to talk about. Do not panic guys, I'm fine, try not to worry.
One of the things that many people have commented on about this whole thing is how positive I've remained. Anytime someone sees me I definitely am my cheerful self. Contrary to this being attributed to my strength, it has more to do with my personality. I genuinely like people and have a deep desire to be liked, I naturally light up when engaged. It isn't about mustering strength during my struggle, it's my eagerness to be acknowledged and invited into someone's attention. Give me an arena, and I will talk. I have no filter so whatever you want to know, I'm happy to share.
They say it's tis the season for mental disturbance. The reason I shared the above paragraph, is looking back on the year, what I can tell you is that although I spent a lot of it in the limelight, I feel incredibly empty. Most of my year was under constant survelience with no personal freedom, or falling back into old habits. I mentioned multiple times that I keep waiting for the big life change to happen. It didn't, and I'm disappointed because I'm not particularly fulfilled by how I'm living. With an accelerated time-clock looming in the distance, I'm looking back at what I did this year and finding I want to ask myself: "What was I waiting for?"
I feel that my living far away and having the job I do is glorified by my friends and family from home. It is not as glamorous as it may sound. My whole life I've been put on a pedestal because I'm motivated and went out to do something new. I'm feeling confined by that label. I am well compensated for what I do, but it is time-consuming and often thankless work. Being a perfectionist, I can't just go home when I'm supposed to, I volunteer for extra and hope that that will move me forward. It hasn't. A promotion came up recently and I did not get it. The person who did is VERY qualified and I'm glad they did. They are deserving. But, it doesn't better where I'm at or validate all the hard work I've chosen to do for a long time, including through cancer and chemo. It's very disheartening. I got plenty of support through a semester off and to take off for doc appointments and all those things I need to function, but it can't be perfect all the time, it's business.
On top of that, I've had tension in my "social group" here. Since I returned to my "life" in July, I've seen them 4 times. It's December. Not only that, but the with this feeling of being "left out" I confronted the person I felt closest to and most comfortable to do it with, and it was not received well and only isolated me further.
So, isolation in work and friends, luckily, my relationships with my family members are great, I feel very loved and supported, but most of them are not here, and unfortunately, they HAVE to be nice to me, so it's not quite the same.
Then there is Jason. We do ok, all couples have their ups and downs. My significant other is a great man, but neither of us are very happy with where we are in life in terms of career, and so that is suffocating our relationship. If two people are unhappy themselves, it's hard to be together. Don't worry though, we know where we are and have committed intentions of putting in whatever work we have to. 6 years in March means we are not in the honeymoon phase by any means.
So, those are the cliff notes version of the things I'm thinking about. It's exactly the same life I would have lived this year minus cancer. Which is good and bad, I didn't let my diagnosis rock my world so deeply that I plummeted. I kept it together, maintained all those things I built and worked hard for, my job, relationships, etc. Cancer apparently wasn't enough for me to go out and start really "living" either. Nobody gets to have a non-stress totally fun-all-the-time life. Even people who win the lotto have issues, and we all have seen that celebrities are not very healthy individuals. But, other than a trip to Hawaii soon, I am doing nothing new, I keep saying I want to paint and haven't, I didn't do dance lessons, exercise, read a lot more, try out for american idol... etc.
I came home most days exhausted only to eat whatever was scrounged up, swallow poison, go mindless in front of the tv, sleep, wake-up and do it again. It's been a pretty grueling year and I'm still a cheerful person, I'm proud of that. Don't worry, there are plenty of things this year that went awesome, many happy moments I'm storing in the memory banks. It was not doom and gloom all the time. But I can and should create a better life for myself, I am deserving, we all know that.
So, after looking at this year with a very critical eye, I find it wanting, and will try to do my part to make it right. Can't blame anyone else for your unhappiness, if my life is not a reflection of what I'd really like it to look like, then that is MY fault, not cancer's or anyone else's. I've got more time to live better, and to be more purposeful about the life I'm building: to make sure it is fulfilling and a reflection of ME.
This upcoming year is more time/an opportunity to work on genuineness in life, one less thing to worry about.
We are quickly approaching the year anniversary of my tumor and cancer diagnosis. This has me reflecting on the year. I've spent the last week or so thinking about my life and how I've spent the year. I have some depressing stuff to talk about. Do not panic guys, I'm fine, try not to worry.
One of the things that many people have commented on about this whole thing is how positive I've remained. Anytime someone sees me I definitely am my cheerful self. Contrary to this being attributed to my strength, it has more to do with my personality. I genuinely like people and have a deep desire to be liked, I naturally light up when engaged. It isn't about mustering strength during my struggle, it's my eagerness to be acknowledged and invited into someone's attention. Give me an arena, and I will talk. I have no filter so whatever you want to know, I'm happy to share.
They say it's tis the season for mental disturbance. The reason I shared the above paragraph, is looking back on the year, what I can tell you is that although I spent a lot of it in the limelight, I feel incredibly empty. Most of my year was under constant survelience with no personal freedom, or falling back into old habits. I mentioned multiple times that I keep waiting for the big life change to happen. It didn't, and I'm disappointed because I'm not particularly fulfilled by how I'm living. With an accelerated time-clock looming in the distance, I'm looking back at what I did this year and finding I want to ask myself: "What was I waiting for?"
I feel that my living far away and having the job I do is glorified by my friends and family from home. It is not as glamorous as it may sound. My whole life I've been put on a pedestal because I'm motivated and went out to do something new. I'm feeling confined by that label. I am well compensated for what I do, but it is time-consuming and often thankless work. Being a perfectionist, I can't just go home when I'm supposed to, I volunteer for extra and hope that that will move me forward. It hasn't. A promotion came up recently and I did not get it. The person who did is VERY qualified and I'm glad they did. They are deserving. But, it doesn't better where I'm at or validate all the hard work I've chosen to do for a long time, including through cancer and chemo. It's very disheartening. I got plenty of support through a semester off and to take off for doc appointments and all those things I need to function, but it can't be perfect all the time, it's business.
On top of that, I've had tension in my "social group" here. Since I returned to my "life" in July, I've seen them 4 times. It's December. Not only that, but the with this feeling of being "left out" I confronted the person I felt closest to and most comfortable to do it with, and it was not received well and only isolated me further.
So, isolation in work and friends, luckily, my relationships with my family members are great, I feel very loved and supported, but most of them are not here, and unfortunately, they HAVE to be nice to me, so it's not quite the same.
Then there is Jason. We do ok, all couples have their ups and downs. My significant other is a great man, but neither of us are very happy with where we are in life in terms of career, and so that is suffocating our relationship. If two people are unhappy themselves, it's hard to be together. Don't worry though, we know where we are and have committed intentions of putting in whatever work we have to. 6 years in March means we are not in the honeymoon phase by any means.
So, those are the cliff notes version of the things I'm thinking about. It's exactly the same life I would have lived this year minus cancer. Which is good and bad, I didn't let my diagnosis rock my world so deeply that I plummeted. I kept it together, maintained all those things I built and worked hard for, my job, relationships, etc. Cancer apparently wasn't enough for me to go out and start really "living" either. Nobody gets to have a non-stress totally fun-all-the-time life. Even people who win the lotto have issues, and we all have seen that celebrities are not very healthy individuals. But, other than a trip to Hawaii soon, I am doing nothing new, I keep saying I want to paint and haven't, I didn't do dance lessons, exercise, read a lot more, try out for american idol... etc.
I came home most days exhausted only to eat whatever was scrounged up, swallow poison, go mindless in front of the tv, sleep, wake-up and do it again. It's been a pretty grueling year and I'm still a cheerful person, I'm proud of that. Don't worry, there are plenty of things this year that went awesome, many happy moments I'm storing in the memory banks. It was not doom and gloom all the time. But I can and should create a better life for myself, I am deserving, we all know that.
So, after looking at this year with a very critical eye, I find it wanting, and will try to do my part to make it right. Can't blame anyone else for your unhappiness, if my life is not a reflection of what I'd really like it to look like, then that is MY fault, not cancer's or anyone else's. I've got more time to live better, and to be more purposeful about the life I'm building: to make sure it is fulfilling and a reflection of ME.
This upcoming year is more time/an opportunity to work on genuineness in life, one less thing to worry about.
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