Today was a lesson in communication. After being really cranky yesterday because the day started great and ended poorly, I was pretty disappointed when by noon, Jason was 0-3 in tasks/plans/etc due to miscommuncation. By 1:30 he was 0-4 and had cost me a 30 minute drive each way to the middle of nowhere by myself.
So, I know Jason isn't the most open about our personal life, but I can be, because I'm comfortable like that with my close friends and family, so I can be here. Jason and I have been arguing pretty heavily since Feb of 2010. We argued over valentines day, made up, we were on separate schedules for the summer, we bickered in the fall for my birthday trip that went terribly wrong, through bronchitis as I applied for gradschools and we missed thanksgiving with his family because we were spending it with mine. Then, we got in a big ole throw down argument during the holidays about our new years plans... then, I got sick.
I lived with my aunt while I was sick, so we put our pettiness on hold other than one particular commute to radiation that we had it out. Then, I went home for a month in May, and we started arguing again. I went to Michigan for 6 weeks, and we called and missed each other and that felt reassuring. 3 days after I came back to Albany, we started arguing again. Small things that build up, like today, but a symptom of larger issues. He stopped listening, I stopped trying to talk. Put a big ole batch of stressful illness on it, it's grounds for deterioration of a once happy and healthy living thing. The problem is that we put a temp band-aid on our problems while we dealt with an even bigger problem.
Today, Jason told me that when people at work ask about me, he tells them she's fine, I'm fine, and he genuinely believes I'm fine because the "hard part is over." I admitted to him today that I was resentful that strangers ask me how I'm doing more than he does, and that I'm not fine. I put on the healthy, happy positive face for everyone, including those I'm closest to because even after all this, I'm still not ready to be completely vulnerable. I resent that after being with me for five years, he doesn't pick up on the pattern of my other relationships and realize that I'm probably doing that with him to, and just ask. Then I'm mad that even if I beat him over the head with it, he wouldn't listen, and that's why I don't tell him. For me the hard part isn't over because I live every day with pills, and worry for the next scan, and how marketable I would be if I ever had to move to be with him, or if he wanted to go to the moon could handle being my sole support system plus being uber career focused? I'm scared to death and still fighting for a future that does not look as certain as it used to, which makes it harder since I'm so future focused.
Jason talked to me about his career plans and goals, and how he's finally feeling at the point where he's got experience, he's a worthy candidate, and ready to make big moves on his career, buy a car, prepare for a house, make more money.. etc. When he talks about this stuff, I panic, cry, and argue with him because in that moment I feel he's being selfish, because I don't want to leave Albany. My career, my health insurance, my doctors, my support systems, I developed them here. Even though this is a legit concern, I know better, Jason is where I was three years ago when I came to Albany: ready to strike out in the world and land with a job and nothing else, and build from there. My cancer is a dead-weight on us both, and I stopped listening to him because I was/am scared to leave my established life while fighting cancer. He is for the first time casting off all support systems and trying to be his own man, setting goals for himself and aiming for more. I know women who would kill for their husbands to be self-motivated like that. Before cancer, I would have jumped for joy and said: "AWESOME, where are we going?! GREAT!" He feels held back and can't say that because that's a horrible thing to admit to yourself nonetheless say to the sick girl who can't help it. I feel held back too, that was one of the first things I freaked out about when this started. I didn't want to live my life "sick" and here I am living it because I have to, it's unfair, but it is what it is. What's funny about this for Jason is the hard part is over, so in his mind, I'm fine. For me, the harder part has been these last few months with maintenance chemo, and so I feel more inclined to keep in mind the worst case scenario and fight like hell. Two people living in the same household with it everyday, have two completely different opinions about how the fight is going. Take that. It's because we aren't talking, we're not in-sync.
So, in the process of this, both of us lost our best friend because we stopped being that for each other. Whatever was wedging itself between us took us down a rocky rollercoaster even further into stress and worry and separation because we are dealing with a lot more responsibility than we should be in our 20s with cancer. Today we were so honest it hurt, and hopefully we can rebuild from there. Cross your fingers for us, we will start with some small goals. We both come from very different backgrounds in role-model relationships and yet both feel that the same way about commitment: it is set in stone. So we acknowledge that some years are better than others, but with cancer accelerating my timeline and waning my patience, and putting up speedbumps to Jason's goals, you never know what can happen. It seems I'm fighting more than one uphill battle these days.
The door to communication is open, one less thing to worry about. Now the trick is, not letting it slam shut next time one of us feels hurt or mad or whatever...
Remember that thing I posted about verbal transparency and hard truths last post? Even more true now, I need to embody my "tell it like it is" loved ones so that Jason and I both put the big issues out in the open and the communication happens all the time, not just when we are mad or argue or reach some threshold that drives us both looney... =) It's important we make some progress here, because my doctors are very adamant about "no stress" and this man is driving me CRAZY! No really... =)
So, I know Jason isn't the most open about our personal life, but I can be, because I'm comfortable like that with my close friends and family, so I can be here. Jason and I have been arguing pretty heavily since Feb of 2010. We argued over valentines day, made up, we were on separate schedules for the summer, we bickered in the fall for my birthday trip that went terribly wrong, through bronchitis as I applied for gradschools and we missed thanksgiving with his family because we were spending it with mine. Then, we got in a big ole throw down argument during the holidays about our new years plans... then, I got sick.
I lived with my aunt while I was sick, so we put our pettiness on hold other than one particular commute to radiation that we had it out. Then, I went home for a month in May, and we started arguing again. I went to Michigan for 6 weeks, and we called and missed each other and that felt reassuring. 3 days after I came back to Albany, we started arguing again. Small things that build up, like today, but a symptom of larger issues. He stopped listening, I stopped trying to talk. Put a big ole batch of stressful illness on it, it's grounds for deterioration of a once happy and healthy living thing. The problem is that we put a temp band-aid on our problems while we dealt with an even bigger problem.
Today, Jason told me that when people at work ask about me, he tells them she's fine, I'm fine, and he genuinely believes I'm fine because the "hard part is over." I admitted to him today that I was resentful that strangers ask me how I'm doing more than he does, and that I'm not fine. I put on the healthy, happy positive face for everyone, including those I'm closest to because even after all this, I'm still not ready to be completely vulnerable. I resent that after being with me for five years, he doesn't pick up on the pattern of my other relationships and realize that I'm probably doing that with him to, and just ask. Then I'm mad that even if I beat him over the head with it, he wouldn't listen, and that's why I don't tell him. For me the hard part isn't over because I live every day with pills, and worry for the next scan, and how marketable I would be if I ever had to move to be with him, or if he wanted to go to the moon could handle being my sole support system plus being uber career focused? I'm scared to death and still fighting for a future that does not look as certain as it used to, which makes it harder since I'm so future focused.
Jason talked to me about his career plans and goals, and how he's finally feeling at the point where he's got experience, he's a worthy candidate, and ready to make big moves on his career, buy a car, prepare for a house, make more money.. etc. When he talks about this stuff, I panic, cry, and argue with him because in that moment I feel he's being selfish, because I don't want to leave Albany. My career, my health insurance, my doctors, my support systems, I developed them here. Even though this is a legit concern, I know better, Jason is where I was three years ago when I came to Albany: ready to strike out in the world and land with a job and nothing else, and build from there. My cancer is a dead-weight on us both, and I stopped listening to him because I was/am scared to leave my established life while fighting cancer. He is for the first time casting off all support systems and trying to be his own man, setting goals for himself and aiming for more. I know women who would kill for their husbands to be self-motivated like that. Before cancer, I would have jumped for joy and said: "AWESOME, where are we going?! GREAT!" He feels held back and can't say that because that's a horrible thing to admit to yourself nonetheless say to the sick girl who can't help it. I feel held back too, that was one of the first things I freaked out about when this started. I didn't want to live my life "sick" and here I am living it because I have to, it's unfair, but it is what it is. What's funny about this for Jason is the hard part is over, so in his mind, I'm fine. For me, the harder part has been these last few months with maintenance chemo, and so I feel more inclined to keep in mind the worst case scenario and fight like hell. Two people living in the same household with it everyday, have two completely different opinions about how the fight is going. Take that. It's because we aren't talking, we're not in-sync.
So, in the process of this, both of us lost our best friend because we stopped being that for each other. Whatever was wedging itself between us took us down a rocky rollercoaster even further into stress and worry and separation because we are dealing with a lot more responsibility than we should be in our 20s with cancer. Today we were so honest it hurt, and hopefully we can rebuild from there. Cross your fingers for us, we will start with some small goals. We both come from very different backgrounds in role-model relationships and yet both feel that the same way about commitment: it is set in stone. So we acknowledge that some years are better than others, but with cancer accelerating my timeline and waning my patience, and putting up speedbumps to Jason's goals, you never know what can happen. It seems I'm fighting more than one uphill battle these days.
The door to communication is open, one less thing to worry about. Now the trick is, not letting it slam shut next time one of us feels hurt or mad or whatever...
Remember that thing I posted about verbal transparency and hard truths last post? Even more true now, I need to embody my "tell it like it is" loved ones so that Jason and I both put the big issues out in the open and the communication happens all the time, not just when we are mad or argue or reach some threshold that drives us both looney... =) It's important we make some progress here, because my doctors are very adamant about "no stress" and this man is driving me CRAZY! No really... =)
And here I thought you'd learned your lesson about communication, especially in a romantic relationship. Well, I've somewhat been the jason in this situation so if his feelings are as true as I think, there's a lot more going through his head than you're fine. Sometimes you say positive things or talk about the future like nothing has changed in order to promote a positive outcome. But it does sound like a mature quiet talk is in order. Although you were always better with written words. De nada don't you wanna part of me:-)
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