Due to time, this one is gonna be short. Sorry for the hiatus, I'm busy with work and also back on the strict pill schedule because I'm on maintenance chemo now.
Let me tell you what, taking a double dose of what I took before for chemo is NO JOKE. I feel like such a whiner about all the stuff before. My first night of maintenance chemo I finally got a true idea of what its like to FIGHT cancer.
I'll try to keep this short, I spent from 4am to 6:30am dry heaving every 20 minutes like clockwork, straining so hard I caused a migraine, sobbing, praying to God for forgiveness to every person I may have ever wronged, not served to the best of my ability, etc... because I felt the full force of what I was doing to my body, poisoning it. As a natural reaction, it wanted the poison out, and didn't seem to care if that meant I would need to hack up my entire set of internal organs. I spent all day yesterday trying to get my barrings, they came at 4pm, thankfully. Right in time for me to put on the end of the year BBQ I had been planning for 3 weeks for work. This was while the smell of food made me want to crawl in a corner and cry. But I went because I was angry. I worked so hard on the BBQ and wanted to finish SOMETHING I had started this academic year for work.
So yeah, that is struggle. It's one thing to whine about being tired and being frustrated that your body won't hold up to the things you want to do in terms of energy. It is quite another when your body has turned against you and things like sleep, drinking water, ingesting food become unattainable or even revolting. I've had the flu really bad before, and this was like the flu times 1,0000000000000000000. Something like that.
Last night, no puking, so YAY! Tonight, I'm seeming ok, but I'm definitely pushing my "awake" window. The sooner I'm asleep after taking chemo, the less likely I am to notice that I'm not feeling well.
So, only 2 more days after tonight. Maintenance chemo is 5 days at a time, and I made it through the first night, meaning, I can do just about anything now. Literally, bullfighting, jumping out of airplanes, Olympian gymnastics, whatever, it seems like child's play now because I have faced down the scariest adversary of my life. One less thing to worry about.
PS. Sorry I'm such a drama queen. =) But that's really how emotionally I experience this whole ordeal. Yes, I was a trooper and did not ask for help while I vomited all night or did a BBQ while wanting to vomit some more, but internally, I was bawling my eyes out. That's part of the fight too right? Taking on your own battle.
Let me tell you what, taking a double dose of what I took before for chemo is NO JOKE. I feel like such a whiner about all the stuff before. My first night of maintenance chemo I finally got a true idea of what its like to FIGHT cancer.
I'll try to keep this short, I spent from 4am to 6:30am dry heaving every 20 minutes like clockwork, straining so hard I caused a migraine, sobbing, praying to God for forgiveness to every person I may have ever wronged, not served to the best of my ability, etc... because I felt the full force of what I was doing to my body, poisoning it. As a natural reaction, it wanted the poison out, and didn't seem to care if that meant I would need to hack up my entire set of internal organs. I spent all day yesterday trying to get my barrings, they came at 4pm, thankfully. Right in time for me to put on the end of the year BBQ I had been planning for 3 weeks for work. This was while the smell of food made me want to crawl in a corner and cry. But I went because I was angry. I worked so hard on the BBQ and wanted to finish SOMETHING I had started this academic year for work.
So yeah, that is struggle. It's one thing to whine about being tired and being frustrated that your body won't hold up to the things you want to do in terms of energy. It is quite another when your body has turned against you and things like sleep, drinking water, ingesting food become unattainable or even revolting. I've had the flu really bad before, and this was like the flu times 1,0000000000000000000. Something like that.
Last night, no puking, so YAY! Tonight, I'm seeming ok, but I'm definitely pushing my "awake" window. The sooner I'm asleep after taking chemo, the less likely I am to notice that I'm not feeling well.
So, only 2 more days after tonight. Maintenance chemo is 5 days at a time, and I made it through the first night, meaning, I can do just about anything now. Literally, bullfighting, jumping out of airplanes, Olympian gymnastics, whatever, it seems like child's play now because I have faced down the scariest adversary of my life. One less thing to worry about.
PS. Sorry I'm such a drama queen. =) But that's really how emotionally I experience this whole ordeal. Yes, I was a trooper and did not ask for help while I vomited all night or did a BBQ while wanting to vomit some more, but internally, I was bawling my eyes out. That's part of the fight too right? Taking on your own battle.
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