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Why change the winning formula?

So, a whole week without posting. As much as I love to talk about myself, it is nice to have had some other things to focus on. After my mom left, I moved out of my Aunt's house on Saturday. We both bawled. I miss her a lot, I'm thinking about her all the time. I miss the boys, all their little projects and homework, and miss having a BIG BED! Jason and I do not fit on our bed but boy do we try. He's not been sleeping well because apparently I've learned to unconsciously push back when he tries to move me over when he comes to bed. I know nothing about this! Anyways, I miss living with a family, always having close access to MY family, and the peace of being in a home instead of an apartment in the residence halls. I've visited the suite above me 3 times this week due to noise. It's not intentional, it's the bliss of being 18-19 and not aware that your music is not everyone's taste. =)

I went back to work this week with the intention that it would be half days. I did a half day on Monday. I did full days tues, weds, and today. I PROMISE I will do a half day tomorrow. I will not push myself too hard. It actually felt good to be back. So good I stayed a little longer here or there. I took a nap today though. I just stayed late for the memorial service of the student who died. Glad I went, it was good to see a lot of students getting a chance to voice their hurt, be there for each other, and a lot of laughter. From what I've heard of this kid, he was a lot of laughs.

Karla, my boss and I, are talking a lot, about her future, my future, little steps here and there, etc. All I can say publicly from this is: WOW, life moves fast, and, what am I going to do with my future? What do I want? The question of the day is: do I try to put my hat in for a more responsibility in my department when I'm facing this(health issues)? Would I want one? Even if I don't want a more job responsibility, would I like a new challenge in another area of my department? Like really, there is that much to consider. Other things to think about on top of everything else. The thing with this that I do know is: I have a job. Whew! That's still a given despite being MIA due to cancer all semester! I'd say I'm still pretty lucky. Lots of jobs are not that supportive.

The other nice thing this week was that I saw my staff, we had a staff meeting, and my team, though tired, and very much in the mode of "is the semester over yet?" are still here, doing a good job, have survived the toughest semester I've ever had to ask of a staff, and still able to laugh. I'll take it. =) HEY BOO to "the deuces" they are that awesome.

Going to a memorial today gave me a look at what mine may look like some day, at least for the students. That was an interesting thing to be apart of in the face of this. I didn't really realize that I was walking into something that would be so emotionally raw for me. I wanted to support my staff and the students of the university, it didn't occur to me that I would walk in and face death, head on. I'm looking at pictures of this kid who is so full of life who took that spark away from the world at 19 while I fight for mine at 26. I'm not angry, and I don't question why someone commits suicide because there have been points in my life where I considered it, at ages much younger than 19. For some of you this will be new news, and I hid those feelings from you because I love you, and so please don't panic now. If I still felt like that, I would have opted not to go for treatment.

Part of my wanting to go to the memorial today is because I have sat with a plan to end my life and by miracle not done it, on more than one occasion. I can empathize with that struggle, how alone someone can feel, or how life can really seem not that worth living when it feels so hard. A lot of people look at a young life lost and ask why did they do it? I look at a young life lost and ask myself to try harder to be a better me. I'm still here.

Sometimes I'm wondering when the spectacular life-makeover will happen. How I'm facing a life-threatening disease and so I become the "changed person" you see in the movies. Like "Sweet November" or a "walk to remember" where they are serene and "free" and live alternative lifestyles and live life by the moment. I'm still the person that worries about work, pesters Jason to take out the trash, likes to watch food network, and talk on the phone too much. I don't know if it will ever come, or if it's new perspective, or if I just needed  to lighten up a little bit and that was enough, but, it's taken me this far, why change the winning formula? I'm noticing these days that I'm sweating the small stuff a little less. Let's hope I keep that up.

Sometimes you don't need to change, you just need a fresh perspective. I'm sure I have plenty of that to go around and share. The "bigger picture" is always on my mind, one less thing to worry about.


"Everyone is a genius. However, if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree it will spend its entire life thinking its stupid." Albert Einstein.

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