The students are on spring break, we are out of the office, and so today was my first day completely alone all day at the apartment. Listening to my music was good, trying to sing with it made me cry. I haven't sung since college. This is sad, I used to sing all the time. Some people would say it's a waste of a good voice. BUT, they didn't hear me today, I'm out of practice! It wasn't the off key that made me cry, it was the lyrics. I tend to be a lyrics person. I haven't paid attention to that part of myself in a long time, finding it opened another outlet to emotions. Emotions have always been variable, and I feel them so deeply that sometimes they would scare me. Lately, I'm trying not to get too worked up. I'm focused on GETTING BETTER! Not to worry though, through letting my emotions come out on my own time when I'm alone and can experience them fully, I'm becoming strong, yet incredibly vulnerable these days.
Then, I cried some more today. I found the flashdrive with my Europe pictures on it. I bawled for 20 minutes, it was like finding a missing piece of yourself. It was here in Albany that I realized those pictures went missing, and its here in albany that I find them again. All my buddies from gradschool offered to give me some of their pictures, and that is sweet and would have sufficed. But, to go on a trip like that, you see it from your eyes, capture your moments on film. It was the way the light played on a gravestone, or a building, or a meal I can taste by looking at the photo. Nobody can replace that. Now facing the possibility that I may never return to Europe, it was a huge comfort to find those memories today. It was a key to a locked door, memories I can now sit with anytime I want.
Speaking of sitting with memories. I used today to sort through a lot of my crafting things. I had gotten into scrapbooking in college, and finished a scrapbook of my first three years of college. Then, 10 pages into my scrapbook of my senior year, I got so behind the materials sat for almost 5 years. Today, I stuck photo album pages in and put in the missing 150 pictures. I cut out another 75 from the book. It would have taken 4 scrapbooks to do it all. I'm just not that dedicated to scrapbooking so it was a good choice. I felt accomplished sticking all those moments in the right place and finishing a book.
My gift to myself for Europe was a scrapbook. I collected post cards, pictures, train tickets, my pass for notre dame, even kept some of my money in Euros, etc, all to put in this scrapbook. When the pictures were lost, those items sat. Now, realizing I have almost 300 photos, I will have to figure out if scrapbooking is really going to be something I want to take on. I can't wait until Jason and I drive to Michigan. The security guard at the border is going to raise an eyebrow at all my crazy items I'm taking with me to Michigan. This will include an entire 3 by 3 by 1.5 foot plastic drawer storage thingy FULL of pictures and scrapbooking supplies. Mmmhmmm, I'm leaving that door open now that I found the keys!
Also, today, I watched the movie "P.S., I Love You." I've been wanting to watch it for awhile. There was a point in time where I kept seeing it on direct tv and wanted to watch but just never made the time. So, finally, I made Jason buy it for me at target last week. It sat for a week, and I picked it up today. I watched here and there and in between all day. AKA, I paused and started it over a lot. I actually just finished it a few moments ago. Not to spoil it too much, but it is about how Hilary Swank (Holly) deals with her grief after her husband Gerard Butler (Gerry) dies of a brain tumor. I forgot it was a tumor that killed him, talk about hitting close to home. Needless to say, plenty of crying today. I even had to tell Jason to go away so I could lock myself in his man-cave to have the privacy to have crying time while I watched this. (He's powerless if I cry, I didn't want to abuse my power).
What felt good about today is that it was a whole day to myself, to organize and clean up some stuff I have been wanting to sort out for awhile now. Everyone is always "meaning" to get around to something. Some of these tasks have been on my to-do list for at least a year. Then, to accelerate the urgency, ever since I got sick I've been itching to organize my things here at home in my apartment. I don't want to leave this crazy jumble of "stuff," which is almost an embodiment of my own language of living, for someone else to decipher. This may not be too difficult of a task to "read" me, as my boss teases me about my color coded spreadsheets, binders, aka my meticulous habits at work. Recently, she wanted some pointers as she is more a idea generator than idea implementer. All minds work differently. ANYWAYS, the projects I've left undone at home are getting dragged out of whatever box I've color coded them in, and finished. Less stuff for me to worry about.
Right after I do a manly man post, I talk about crying, organizing, scrapbooking and sentiments about pictures. Oh the inherent bipolarism of womanhood! Every day is a rollercoaster, and no, I'm not PMSing. =)
I am tapping into what means "balance" for me, both manly man support and friends, and times to be emotional. Right now, I'm finding that balance=organized, finished, and all zipped up in the color coded and highlighted box. Now, I have no intention of dying any day soon, no panicking people. I am for the first time considering death as something that could happen to me, instead of treating life as it already being given that I will have a long time to grow old, or have unlimited time to "get around" to whatever is on that to do list. So, for now, I'm creating a present where there are no loose ends because that is what feels right for me. Part of the grief process for those we leave behind is all the questions they have, how they are trying to make sense of someone's life, or why they died. Well, for me, while people are dealing with those heavy life-changing questions, they will not have to figure out what I want done with clothes, pictures, cards, knick-knacks. Less work for them means one less thing for me to worry about for now.
"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose"- Unknown
Notre Dame... And no I'm not a hunchback... I just have a backpack on. =)
Then, I cried some more today. I found the flashdrive with my Europe pictures on it. I bawled for 20 minutes, it was like finding a missing piece of yourself. It was here in Albany that I realized those pictures went missing, and its here in albany that I find them again. All my buddies from gradschool offered to give me some of their pictures, and that is sweet and would have sufficed. But, to go on a trip like that, you see it from your eyes, capture your moments on film. It was the way the light played on a gravestone, or a building, or a meal I can taste by looking at the photo. Nobody can replace that. Now facing the possibility that I may never return to Europe, it was a huge comfort to find those memories today. It was a key to a locked door, memories I can now sit with anytime I want.
Speaking of sitting with memories. I used today to sort through a lot of my crafting things. I had gotten into scrapbooking in college, and finished a scrapbook of my first three years of college. Then, 10 pages into my scrapbook of my senior year, I got so behind the materials sat for almost 5 years. Today, I stuck photo album pages in and put in the missing 150 pictures. I cut out another 75 from the book. It would have taken 4 scrapbooks to do it all. I'm just not that dedicated to scrapbooking so it was a good choice. I felt accomplished sticking all those moments in the right place and finishing a book.
My gift to myself for Europe was a scrapbook. I collected post cards, pictures, train tickets, my pass for notre dame, even kept some of my money in Euros, etc, all to put in this scrapbook. When the pictures were lost, those items sat. Now, realizing I have almost 300 photos, I will have to figure out if scrapbooking is really going to be something I want to take on. I can't wait until Jason and I drive to Michigan. The security guard at the border is going to raise an eyebrow at all my crazy items I'm taking with me to Michigan. This will include an entire 3 by 3 by 1.5 foot plastic drawer storage thingy FULL of pictures and scrapbooking supplies. Mmmhmmm, I'm leaving that door open now that I found the keys!
Also, today, I watched the movie "P.S., I Love You." I've been wanting to watch it for awhile. There was a point in time where I kept seeing it on direct tv and wanted to watch but just never made the time. So, finally, I made Jason buy it for me at target last week. It sat for a week, and I picked it up today. I watched here and there and in between all day. AKA, I paused and started it over a lot. I actually just finished it a few moments ago. Not to spoil it too much, but it is about how Hilary Swank (Holly) deals with her grief after her husband Gerard Butler (Gerry) dies of a brain tumor. I forgot it was a tumor that killed him, talk about hitting close to home. Needless to say, plenty of crying today. I even had to tell Jason to go away so I could lock myself in his man-cave to have the privacy to have crying time while I watched this. (He's powerless if I cry, I didn't want to abuse my power).
What felt good about today is that it was a whole day to myself, to organize and clean up some stuff I have been wanting to sort out for awhile now. Everyone is always "meaning" to get around to something. Some of these tasks have been on my to-do list for at least a year. Then, to accelerate the urgency, ever since I got sick I've been itching to organize my things here at home in my apartment. I don't want to leave this crazy jumble of "stuff," which is almost an embodiment of my own language of living, for someone else to decipher. This may not be too difficult of a task to "read" me, as my boss teases me about my color coded spreadsheets, binders, aka my meticulous habits at work. Recently, she wanted some pointers as she is more a idea generator than idea implementer. All minds work differently. ANYWAYS, the projects I've left undone at home are getting dragged out of whatever box I've color coded them in, and finished. Less stuff for me to worry about.
Right after I do a manly man post, I talk about crying, organizing, scrapbooking and sentiments about pictures. Oh the inherent bipolarism of womanhood! Every day is a rollercoaster, and no, I'm not PMSing. =)
I am tapping into what means "balance" for me, both manly man support and friends, and times to be emotional. Right now, I'm finding that balance=organized, finished, and all zipped up in the color coded and highlighted box. Now, I have no intention of dying any day soon, no panicking people. I am for the first time considering death as something that could happen to me, instead of treating life as it already being given that I will have a long time to grow old, or have unlimited time to "get around" to whatever is on that to do list. So, for now, I'm creating a present where there are no loose ends because that is what feels right for me. Part of the grief process for those we leave behind is all the questions they have, how they are trying to make sense of someone's life, or why they died. Well, for me, while people are dealing with those heavy life-changing questions, they will not have to figure out what I want done with clothes, pictures, cards, knick-knacks. Less work for them means one less thing for me to worry about for now.
"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose"- Unknown
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