Well, life is calming down after the big excitement of YAY I finished! No radiation or chemo, still pills, still naps, etc. I'm going in for my MRI on May 2nd, and meeting with my doctors on the 5th and 6th. SO... more answers to how all this went are not coming for a little while. Try to be patient guys, I know that my last post raised some questions, but we've still got another month before we know any answers as to what was the result of my radiation and chemo. This gives my brain a chance to recover, stop swelling, and for all that tissue around my tumor to be less irritated so they can get a clear picture of the tumor itself and whether it stopped growing. (Which if you subscribe to my awesomeness, it TOTALLY STOPPED, we just need the photographic evidence!).
On a sad note, my mom is going to Michigan on Thursday, and taking my car "EVEE" with her... (Just to make sure I don't get tempted to use it myself... mwahahah!) I'll miss my mommy! With her soon leaving, I'll be moving back to campus to live in my own apartment and maybe do some part-time work if I'm feeling up to it. That would be fun.
In terms of updates, the thing that is most salient for me right now is that we had our second suicide in the building complex where I work this weekend. So, two freshmen suicides in 2 months. My staff is down one professional staff member (ME), AND dealing with some very heavy stuff right on top of each other. I am thinking about them all the time, hoping they're coping and finding some ways to take care of themselves in the midst of taking care of all the other things. The students' families, friends, loved ones, the residents on their halls who are concerned, have questions, etc. It's a lot to handle, and more than human to have your own personal reaction to this stuff on top of handling your "job" in this. I hope they are.
Also, one of my peer professional staff members in my building complex is a NEW DAD! His daughter was born on Saturday the 26th I think. So that's exciting, but also another professional staff member besides myself having been out of the action a little bit. Leaving a team of 6 down to 4 to handle crisis with our 60 member student team. Kudos to my team, I know they make it look seamless, but it's a lot of work.
Regarding the suicide, I went on Sunday to the debriefing and to show support to our student staff. My mom drove me. I was only there for 2 hours, I had no speaking role and was purely there to support. Even just standing there listening, I had a seizure. Frustrating. I stepped out to get some fresh air while in the midst of my little episode, and had the opportunity to sit and chat in private with one of our student staff members that is struggling. Now I don't really believe that my seizures were "meant to be" or anything like that, but the timing of this one was purposeful. It gave me the opportunity to give that one on one attention and support to a staff member that needed an ear and a change of energy from the heaviness in that room full of grieving people. SO, I was able to gracefully manage a seizure yet again! AND, I got to do a part of my job that I most cherish, BE THERE.
Regarding that pesky seizure, what this tells me is that I literally dipped my pinky toe in the water of "work" and my body told me a firm NO, and I've got to listen. I really did not exert myself, that was my only "outing" of the day, and so I'm not sure what that is about, but it happened and I can't ignore it. So, I'm still resting, but it will have to be things like this. When I'm up to it, I'll test the water again, and I'll listen closely to what my body says. I will not let this keep me down, but, the reason my mom was here was to actually "keep" me down. My tendency is to push through tough stuff, and regarding something this serious I could not do that.
So, my body is in charge! I will "let my body call the shots" which sounds a little naughty out of context. =) I've had the great opportunity to work with plenty of dirty minds, so I know they will take this and roll with it.
When it comes to brain tumors, everyone is different, and so it's tough for my doctors to say: "rest, no get up and work, no take these meds, no wait, don't do any of that!" It literally sounds like that kind of jibberish! I am a perfectionist so I'm wanting to follow the doctor's orders to the T, only to find everything is vague, like: getting appropriate rest is good, and challenging myself to stay up and moving is good. Awesome. How much of each and what are the signs that I'm not balancing well? Apparently for me, the sign is seizures. So, the goal right now is to figure out a signal before a seizure! Cross your fingers, I'm trying!
The discussion above about balance should sound familiar as I've talked about this before and my frustrations with trying to find an answer. The answer will reveal itself. My mantra is "patience." Part of this patience has to do with the change in the direction of the wind that is coming soon... i.e. moving the location of "home base!" This will have me working on some independence, which is then going to filter to me being the main executor of my work, sleep, and eating habits for the first time in almost three months. (I'm graduating from Kindergarten!). Hopefully a chance to relearn living independently will help me attune more to reading myself. I have to say, I've been chilling with myself for almost 3 months, I'm not a stranger to me, but this is a change in the wind... brings anything!
Speaking of independence.... Jason will go back to being my main support system, mostly for transportation. The week of May 2nd will be lots of driving responsibility and so we'll work on that. MRI, Brain Tumor Support Group, 3 doctors appointments. That's a lot of carting around for a man who works full-time and is not a soccer dad. Hopefully we catch him in a good mood, he's pretty cantankerous. =)
As far as today the agenda was: SHOPPING, CHILI's for dinner! And of course I had a big ole NAP in between to big fun activities like this! I must mention that I found a pair a jeans, (first pair I tried on at the store, while being a fatty fatty no friends and they FIT!!), a spring coat (pretty blue), a dress for a semi formal, and a lacy t-shirt for half of what the dress would have cost at full price! Almost outdid my excitement for the day right there! Then, we went out to eat, yummy! And now we're watching an episode of chopped we recorded. Life is soooo good. Like, silly joys, an opportunity to do them, and spending all this time with my family. So fantastic!
I'm gracefully managing my symptoms, spending quality time, admiring the strength in my team, finding ways to contribute, and soon to be calling my own "body shots!" =) Less THINGS to worry about.
Always a good one!
On a sad note, my mom is going to Michigan on Thursday, and taking my car "EVEE" with her... (Just to make sure I don't get tempted to use it myself... mwahahah!) I'll miss my mommy! With her soon leaving, I'll be moving back to campus to live in my own apartment and maybe do some part-time work if I'm feeling up to it. That would be fun.
In terms of updates, the thing that is most salient for me right now is that we had our second suicide in the building complex where I work this weekend. So, two freshmen suicides in 2 months. My staff is down one professional staff member (ME), AND dealing with some very heavy stuff right on top of each other. I am thinking about them all the time, hoping they're coping and finding some ways to take care of themselves in the midst of taking care of all the other things. The students' families, friends, loved ones, the residents on their halls who are concerned, have questions, etc. It's a lot to handle, and more than human to have your own personal reaction to this stuff on top of handling your "job" in this. I hope they are.
Also, one of my peer professional staff members in my building complex is a NEW DAD! His daughter was born on Saturday the 26th I think. So that's exciting, but also another professional staff member besides myself having been out of the action a little bit. Leaving a team of 6 down to 4 to handle crisis with our 60 member student team. Kudos to my team, I know they make it look seamless, but it's a lot of work.
Regarding the suicide, I went on Sunday to the debriefing and to show support to our student staff. My mom drove me. I was only there for 2 hours, I had no speaking role and was purely there to support. Even just standing there listening, I had a seizure. Frustrating. I stepped out to get some fresh air while in the midst of my little episode, and had the opportunity to sit and chat in private with one of our student staff members that is struggling. Now I don't really believe that my seizures were "meant to be" or anything like that, but the timing of this one was purposeful. It gave me the opportunity to give that one on one attention and support to a staff member that needed an ear and a change of energy from the heaviness in that room full of grieving people. SO, I was able to gracefully manage a seizure yet again! AND, I got to do a part of my job that I most cherish, BE THERE.
Regarding that pesky seizure, what this tells me is that I literally dipped my pinky toe in the water of "work" and my body told me a firm NO, and I've got to listen. I really did not exert myself, that was my only "outing" of the day, and so I'm not sure what that is about, but it happened and I can't ignore it. So, I'm still resting, but it will have to be things like this. When I'm up to it, I'll test the water again, and I'll listen closely to what my body says. I will not let this keep me down, but, the reason my mom was here was to actually "keep" me down. My tendency is to push through tough stuff, and regarding something this serious I could not do that.
So, my body is in charge! I will "let my body call the shots" which sounds a little naughty out of context. =) I've had the great opportunity to work with plenty of dirty minds, so I know they will take this and roll with it.
When it comes to brain tumors, everyone is different, and so it's tough for my doctors to say: "rest, no get up and work, no take these meds, no wait, don't do any of that!" It literally sounds like that kind of jibberish! I am a perfectionist so I'm wanting to follow the doctor's orders to the T, only to find everything is vague, like: getting appropriate rest is good, and challenging myself to stay up and moving is good. Awesome. How much of each and what are the signs that I'm not balancing well? Apparently for me, the sign is seizures. So, the goal right now is to figure out a signal before a seizure! Cross your fingers, I'm trying!
The discussion above about balance should sound familiar as I've talked about this before and my frustrations with trying to find an answer. The answer will reveal itself. My mantra is "patience." Part of this patience has to do with the change in the direction of the wind that is coming soon... i.e. moving the location of "home base!" This will have me working on some independence, which is then going to filter to me being the main executor of my work, sleep, and eating habits for the first time in almost three months. (I'm graduating from Kindergarten!). Hopefully a chance to relearn living independently will help me attune more to reading myself. I have to say, I've been chilling with myself for almost 3 months, I'm not a stranger to me, but this is a change in the wind... brings anything!
Speaking of independence.... Jason will go back to being my main support system, mostly for transportation. The week of May 2nd will be lots of driving responsibility and so we'll work on that. MRI, Brain Tumor Support Group, 3 doctors appointments. That's a lot of carting around for a man who works full-time and is not a soccer dad. Hopefully we catch him in a good mood, he's pretty cantankerous. =)
As far as today the agenda was: SHOPPING, CHILI's for dinner! And of course I had a big ole NAP in between to big fun activities like this! I must mention that I found a pair a jeans, (first pair I tried on at the store, while being a fatty fatty no friends and they FIT!!), a spring coat (pretty blue), a dress for a semi formal, and a lacy t-shirt for half of what the dress would have cost at full price! Almost outdid my excitement for the day right there! Then, we went out to eat, yummy! And now we're watching an episode of chopped we recorded. Life is soooo good. Like, silly joys, an opportunity to do them, and spending all this time with my family. So fantastic!
I'm gracefully managing my symptoms, spending quality time, admiring the strength in my team, finding ways to contribute, and soon to be calling my own "body shots!" =) Less THINGS to worry about.
Always a good one!
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