I have a confession to make. Last semester, I had been feeling for the past few months a little burnt out from my work, like what I was doing was a little unnoticed, or that I wasn't being as effective as I thought. This caused me to come home stressed out, walk in the door and immediately start venting to poor Jason, who is SO even-keeled that this onslaught of emotion as soon as I walked through the door might have given him PTSD. Burn out is dangerous, especially for perfectionists like me. I felt guilty about how I was feeling like I wasn't doing well enough, and so my first natural reaction to this was to work HARDER, LONGER. Hence, poor Jason.
As far as my feelings that I wasn't being effective, or going unnoticed, there is no room for doubt now. It is quite possible that I may be the queen of an entire hive that I had no idea was "my hive." I should have guessed though. My boss, Karla, always told me that "honey gets the bees." I can't count all the times I worked out that honey, much to her inspiration (THANK YOU KARLA). Before cancer, my most popular mantra was a workaholic mantra, but effective. I wanted to "go to bed each night knowing that I have done everything in my power that day to do the best job to serve my staff, the students, my boss, family, friends, whoever!" Really, this was not only for anybody who is in direct relation to not only my paycheck, but my pride, as I care deeply enough about what I do, and have ingrained it so deeply into my identity, that I would definitely lose sleep if I slacked in any way. I'm the kind of person who goes to my boss and fesses up on even the most minor of mistakes, and have probably already figured out a way to torture myself or make it up 10-fold before I get there. Apparently, this was much more noticed than I ever dreamed.
I am a queen bee. I know this because communities all over the country have rallied around me and my family. My mom's boss donated all of his time off for this calendar year so she can drop whenever she needs to to be with me. No, actually, last night I found out, her entire COMPANY donated that time, and the owner of that company has been more than supportive. When we are sick, we all want our mommy, and so this has been so amazing to me. Like REALLY. These are people I have never met, many my mom doesn't even know that well as her company is spread all over Michigan. It is very moving. She cried, I cried. And let me tell you, I already loved my mom's boss, he is such a sweetie. Now I have like 80 more people to fall in love with.
The hospital my dad works for has done similar things for him. He has been able to come out to visit with me twice, for over a week each time. This says a lot, as my dad is a gyno and babies come when they want to, so I know that there are people stepping out of the wood work to support him, taking call, doing surgeries, supporting patients, etc. I also know that when this first happened, my dad was a wreck, and that he went all over his hospital talking to nurses, doctors, staff, possibly patients, about this, because talking about it is what he needed. To all those people thank you, because it was important to him to come here and "be strong" for me, so the ears you lent helped him be that for me. I've nicknamed my dad "The Knight" because he has come in full battle armor (AKA, questions, questions, directions for my pills, delegating tasks to all my other family, and making my boyfriend tow a fine line, etc), to Fight for me.
But it's more than parents, because my work has so surprised me. Laurie, who is my boss's, boss's, boss, texted me two days after I found out I had cancer, and told me to take a semester off, I get summers off anyways, and that "we" are prepared to donate time into next fall. I bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes straight. I felt so stupid for feeling unnoticed. I work for the best place ever. My Human Resources Department at my university has been so helpful, there is a lot of paperwork and such when you are out of work for a long time. When I was in the hospital for surgery, I got flowers from all over the country. Almost every department at my dad's hospital sent me flowers, tons of departments at my university sent me flowers, tons of family sent me flowers, friends I'd made in undergrad and gradschool sent me flowers. This doesn't even start with the cards, candy, presents. My aunt's house has a "card shrine" and a "garden" and I have so many vases, if someone wants to start a flower business let me know.
Explaining all of this is not to brag, I hope it doesn't sound that way. It is so humbling, I have been so awstruck, like I don't know what to do with this much attention. I am only one person and it feels kind of like an ant hill, like there are thousands of people all moving and working and doing things to support me. I am on prayer lists all over the country, I'm pretty sure there have to be thousands of people praying for me by now. Everyone I know is putting me on a prayer list at their church, or has a grandma or aunt or someone who is a prayer embassador for some huge prayer community. I think this is why I'm still feeling so good. To me, this is God, the relationships I have with those around me, people working to show love to me. Whether it is flowers or cards, prayers, thoughts, whatever.
I don't know if it is because I'm so young, or because the idea of brain cancer itself is so shocking and scary, but people I've barely spoken to in years, friends of my family in the community, people I've never met, are finding ways to "do something" for me. So I apparently am the queen bee. One person putting a whole army of people into motion, or moving them to do so. I hope that every person who has ever had cancer has received even 1/100th of the support I have been given, felt, been grateful for.
I swear, everyone says I'm the hero, and that's nice and all, but believe me "you were the wind beneath my wings." This is a funny reference, as I sang this song for a "dinner theater" in 11th grade, as a thank-you from our class to our parents.
I didn't really intend for this post to be one big thank-you letter, but in a way it is. The fight is the fight, and I am one who has always met a challenge head-on, not expecting anyone to go in for me, or even stand with me. Now, I've been bum-rushed with more help than I even know what to do with, and I swear, it is HUMBLING. Like, who would have thought that anyone is ever this loved. I feel like a bone-head for not knowing I was this loved a long time ago, maybe I would have been a better keeper of that love. Then I wouldn't have given Jason PTSD. But the past is the past, and luckily, Jason recovered and is beating off the helpers with a stick to keep his spot next to me. =)
1,000+ army fighting cancer with me, one less thing to worry about.
Cheers to all of you out there who have even just let me cross your mind, believe me, it's WORKING!!!!
For all you honey bees.... lovely flowers from providence RI... Jason and I went for my birthday last September... =)
As far as my feelings that I wasn't being effective, or going unnoticed, there is no room for doubt now. It is quite possible that I may be the queen of an entire hive that I had no idea was "my hive." I should have guessed though. My boss, Karla, always told me that "honey gets the bees." I can't count all the times I worked out that honey, much to her inspiration (THANK YOU KARLA). Before cancer, my most popular mantra was a workaholic mantra, but effective. I wanted to "go to bed each night knowing that I have done everything in my power that day to do the best job to serve my staff, the students, my boss, family, friends, whoever!" Really, this was not only for anybody who is in direct relation to not only my paycheck, but my pride, as I care deeply enough about what I do, and have ingrained it so deeply into my identity, that I would definitely lose sleep if I slacked in any way. I'm the kind of person who goes to my boss and fesses up on even the most minor of mistakes, and have probably already figured out a way to torture myself or make it up 10-fold before I get there. Apparently, this was much more noticed than I ever dreamed.
I am a queen bee. I know this because communities all over the country have rallied around me and my family. My mom's boss donated all of his time off for this calendar year so she can drop whenever she needs to to be with me. No, actually, last night I found out, her entire COMPANY donated that time, and the owner of that company has been more than supportive. When we are sick, we all want our mommy, and so this has been so amazing to me. Like REALLY. These are people I have never met, many my mom doesn't even know that well as her company is spread all over Michigan. It is very moving. She cried, I cried. And let me tell you, I already loved my mom's boss, he is such a sweetie. Now I have like 80 more people to fall in love with.
The hospital my dad works for has done similar things for him. He has been able to come out to visit with me twice, for over a week each time. This says a lot, as my dad is a gyno and babies come when they want to, so I know that there are people stepping out of the wood work to support him, taking call, doing surgeries, supporting patients, etc. I also know that when this first happened, my dad was a wreck, and that he went all over his hospital talking to nurses, doctors, staff, possibly patients, about this, because talking about it is what he needed. To all those people thank you, because it was important to him to come here and "be strong" for me, so the ears you lent helped him be that for me. I've nicknamed my dad "The Knight" because he has come in full battle armor (AKA, questions, questions, directions for my pills, delegating tasks to all my other family, and making my boyfriend tow a fine line, etc), to Fight for me.
But it's more than parents, because my work has so surprised me. Laurie, who is my boss's, boss's, boss, texted me two days after I found out I had cancer, and told me to take a semester off, I get summers off anyways, and that "we" are prepared to donate time into next fall. I bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes straight. I felt so stupid for feeling unnoticed. I work for the best place ever. My Human Resources Department at my university has been so helpful, there is a lot of paperwork and such when you are out of work for a long time. When I was in the hospital for surgery, I got flowers from all over the country. Almost every department at my dad's hospital sent me flowers, tons of departments at my university sent me flowers, tons of family sent me flowers, friends I'd made in undergrad and gradschool sent me flowers. This doesn't even start with the cards, candy, presents. My aunt's house has a "card shrine" and a "garden" and I have so many vases, if someone wants to start a flower business let me know.
Explaining all of this is not to brag, I hope it doesn't sound that way. It is so humbling, I have been so awstruck, like I don't know what to do with this much attention. I am only one person and it feels kind of like an ant hill, like there are thousands of people all moving and working and doing things to support me. I am on prayer lists all over the country, I'm pretty sure there have to be thousands of people praying for me by now. Everyone I know is putting me on a prayer list at their church, or has a grandma or aunt or someone who is a prayer embassador for some huge prayer community. I think this is why I'm still feeling so good. To me, this is God, the relationships I have with those around me, people working to show love to me. Whether it is flowers or cards, prayers, thoughts, whatever.
I don't know if it is because I'm so young, or because the idea of brain cancer itself is so shocking and scary, but people I've barely spoken to in years, friends of my family in the community, people I've never met, are finding ways to "do something" for me. So I apparently am the queen bee. One person putting a whole army of people into motion, or moving them to do so. I hope that every person who has ever had cancer has received even 1/100th of the support I have been given, felt, been grateful for.
I swear, everyone says I'm the hero, and that's nice and all, but believe me "you were the wind beneath my wings." This is a funny reference, as I sang this song for a "dinner theater" in 11th grade, as a thank-you from our class to our parents.
I didn't really intend for this post to be one big thank-you letter, but in a way it is. The fight is the fight, and I am one who has always met a challenge head-on, not expecting anyone to go in for me, or even stand with me. Now, I've been bum-rushed with more help than I even know what to do with, and I swear, it is HUMBLING. Like, who would have thought that anyone is ever this loved. I feel like a bone-head for not knowing I was this loved a long time ago, maybe I would have been a better keeper of that love. Then I wouldn't have given Jason PTSD. But the past is the past, and luckily, Jason recovered and is beating off the helpers with a stick to keep his spot next to me. =)
1,000+ army fighting cancer with me, one less thing to worry about.
Cheers to all of you out there who have even just let me cross your mind, believe me, it's WORKING!!!!
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