In addition to TV, I had a couple of good chats with some long-time friends. It's nice to have time to do that kind of stuff. Last semester, I had gotten so bad that I had actually gone a full three weeks without talking to either of my parents! What kind of child am I?! I didn't make time for people I love, hence, poor Jason. A lot of this has to do with how much I "wrap myself" into my current surroundings. When I went to undergrad, it was my entire world, when I went to gradschool, it was my entire world, and when I came to Albany, it became my entire world. Between my aunt and cousins, my amazing group of friends, Jason's coworkers and friends, and my job, I found it hard to fit in much else. My mom and I both would talk about how after a long day of work where we talk all day, we found the idea of talking not too appealing. (GASP, ME, not talk? I swear I'm not sick) I still sometimes feel that way. Like, re-hashing my cancer story over and over and over, feels exhausting at times, and empowering at others.
Now, in typical me "wrapping myself" fashion, cancer has become my "entire world." I spend all day with it, whether it's radiation, pills, more pills, must eat, must eat, must poop, must eat, must nap, must drink as much water as possible, must cut liquids at x hour, more pills, must sleep. My daily fight has ingrained itself, every move I make is a conscious one. I mean yes, cancer is LITERALLY in my head, but it has become so much more than that, fighting it is a lifestyle. I advocate that you take a proactive stance and eat well, love well, and do whatever decreases your stress, so you can avoid my "pills party."
I am still in for some MEAN pitches from cancer. Well... yes, one interesting side-effect of my surgery was that I can't cry out of my right eye. I can't get sniffly out of my right nostril either. The doctors aren't sure what this is about, but so far my eye is still functioning normally, it's just that whenever I get emotional, only one side of my face responds. I may go as "two face" for halloween this year just because I can! However, today I cried so hard that my right eye squeezed out a tear or two, that whole Pope thing. Thai food got my right nostril going, that was exciting! It got a little happy dance from Jason.
The Curve ball is going to be my hair. Those of you may have noticed I went for a dramatic new hair do! This was an offensive play on my part. Radiation is staking it's claim on my locks. Long hair is part of my identity, and something I knew would be a painful process if I had to watch my hair fall out in clumps. So, I whacked my hair before cancer could. I took it on my own terms in my own way. The bonus to this is that I got to try a cute lil short do I've always wanted to do but never had the guts, knowing I'd miss my long hair in a week. It also makes my Hannibal mask fit better. (The mask I wear to be bolted down for my radiation so I'm VERY still, Jason saw it and said I totally look like "Hannibal." Yes he's that charming.) I also have purchased my first wig, of what I'm sure will be a few. "Barbie," "Big Red," and NATASHA will be joining us shortly...
The fastball is my ability to drive. When you have seizures and are being treated for a brain tumor, it is NOT recommended that you operate large machinery, aka, the motorized vehicles. This means that every day, I am being carted 45 minutes each way to my radiation. Jason drops me off and my aunt Lisa picks me up. I swear, in the morning as we're getting ready I make jokes to them about "fixing my pigtails" and "packing my lunch" and "putting on my backpack" like they are getting me ready for kindergarten. What a huge blow to my independence, I'm swallowing my pride daily. It was easier when my mom or dad were visiting, because of course, they're visiting, we're always together. Now that the crowd has given me some space and we're trying to move into a normal pattern, it just isn't the same, I'm feeling the guilt of my "burden" more. So, we use the car time as "talk time" and we've been doing a lot of processing and planning. I'm starting to enjoy the "commutes" and see them more as 45 minutes of uninterrupted (except for a good song on the radio) quality time. It will be months before I can drive myself, even though I have not legally shown any symptoms that would revoke my license. They operated inside my head (Who knows where they planted the computer chip?!?!), therefore, no driving, period. Reminds me of high school when I used to be a permanent copilot for my girlfriend Jessica.
Until I get my third attempt at the plate, I'm going to go back to work for half days, starting soon. I'm excited about this, despite the skepticism from the majority of my family and Jason. They worry, they hover, etc. Since fighting cancer is so scheduled and time intensive, they worry more, hover more, etc. Yesterday in the car, Jason blamed my desire to go back to work as "guilt" for being out. What it really is, is that I MISS it, especially my staff. It is also that I don't want to be constantly treated like a patient, I want to be useful, to TRY to manage cancer and the responsibility of work while I'm still feeling up to it. Maybe I'm tired because I'm "bored." Since cancer will be permanently joining the party, I am eventually going to need to balance it all. So giving it a go would help me for later, after this first round and I'm doing my "maintenance" chemo. Jason said, "you do not HAVE to be superwoman" and I broke into song: "Yes I am, yes she is! Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest, With an S on my chest, Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman." Needless to say, he began to see that the extra driving he was going to do to make this happen was part of making sure my S was nice and shiny on my chest.
So, in the face of two tough pitches, I go for the "home run" by rejoining my reslife family.
Two tough pitches down, still at bat! I still have my superwoman swing! One less thing to worry about.
Thank you to my work for being flexible and letting me come back at "half mass," and to my chauffeurs who are helping me get everywhere!
Your date night sounds a lot like the date nights we have around here. I am trying to soak up the date nights that we do have right now even if they are only dinner and television because they might be non-existent soon.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your hair Danielle but I have to tell you I am very excited about the wigs. I really hope that you do pick out a Big Red and a Barbie. :) I thought of Samantha from Sex in the City when I read that part. I hope you are able to have a little fun with it and try out some new looks.
It sounds like half days at work might be good for you. It may make you feel slightly more independent than you do right now. I think that's important.
Love you, Danielle! Keep being strong.
Forgot to sign it. :)
ReplyDeleteAlecia